Black and White

Sometimes it just looks better...

...when it's as clear as black and white

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Dreams are funny. Mine are interesting at the best of times, disturbing at the worst of them, but they're never dull that's for certain. I'm a person who grows very attached to people I find, and each time when I've begun to forget someone or else am willing to put a person behind me, they somehow appear in my dreams. It's not that I make the mental decision to part from that person, but I simply don't see or talk to them for quite some time and they begin to fade into the background. Then they suddenly show up in my dreams. People who I was barely acquainted with suddenly enter my dreams and act as though they hold a huge piece of my life. I would merely discard them as just dreams, but the feeling afterwards is more difficult to shake off I'll admit.

I enjoy my dreams, they are often the inspiration behind my stories that I write. I recently wrote a short story entitled "Practicality" based off of images I saw in a dream. There are rarely words in my dreams, mainly just images, like a silent movie. Silent but good for the most. It feels like blasphemy for a writer to say this, but sometimes words aren't enough. The moment is worth more than any writer's words for certain, and those who would throw the moments in life away for books and words is a fool. Although I want people to eat up my words and become published, I wouldn't mind being unsuccessful if it meant people were actually living their lives. My dreams are that way. I feel that they mean something, or rather that they should. The people that appear might be ones I really don't care to talk to much--or ever for that matter--but I still feel as though I owe it to them to capture those dreams in some way. Whether its a few last words or a story, I want them to know that meeting them meant something to me and influenced the person that I am.

People greatly influence us just by being around us. We give off vibes and you can tell a lot about a person if you are open to these vibes. Happy ones, sad ones, or ones that merely make us feel comfortable around some people more than others. That's the impression that these people have left on me. The reason I'm typing on here rather than typing up another story is the fact that I don't know how to capture my latest dream into words. It feels wrong to write just anything, for these two individuals in my dreams being near strangers to me, I still feel as though I owe them something better than that. If even for one night that I had a pleasant dream over a nightmare, I owe them. But, when I don't know what to write officially, I write unofficially on here. My public journal I guess you could say as I'm far too lazy to keep an actual one. The Internet is convenient, picking up a pencil and trying to write into that tiny journal my grandparents/parents/journalism teacher bought me is just too much of a pain--though the one Ms. Butler bought for her journalism editors is indeed very nice. Still, this is where I confide my thoughts... or expel them? I've never thought my thoughts were just my own. I do have my private moments and feelings, but then I just keep them with me. Otherwise, I'm not afraid to say what I think or feel.

Tonight though, I feel bad. Here, just a few images from a dream to work with to write a story. It's been enough in the past, but now it's not enough to keep the creative juices flowing. I'm missing the feeling that I need to have. When writing my "Practicality" story I had a good flow because I could place myself within the story and feel it occurring around me, and suddenly I can't find the way to personalize this. Part of me doesn't want to. There's the side of me that feels as though this should be professional and not person, it's not like I was that close to these people. Unfortunately that part of my mind doesn't seem to realize that if I don't write things as though they were personal to me, it ends up sucking. Right now it sucks, so the only thing left to do is make it more personal to me. Open up my mind. Live. Clash. Learn.

One for Webster

ac-tion [ak-shuh-n] : The end of the thought process.

Sunday Mornings

My Quirks (or at least a handful of them)

1. I like gray skies better than sunny skies, they make me happier
2. I'm addicted to Milky Ways, I can only buy them one at a time or I'll eat them all
3. I'm half the Dutch with twice the stubborn (I like to call it persistence)
4. I'm a neat freak at work but my room is a mess
5. I'm addicted to Eoin Colfer's books
6. I'm addicted to House M.D.
7. I frequently do workouts that cause me great pain, and I like them
8. I HATE chewing gum. It is the most disgusting thing to have ever been invented.
9. I'm still obsessed with Mario games
10. I can determine the air quality with one breath (asthma has its uses)
11. I like to buy books, even if I don't read half of them. I like cool covers.
12. I do get offended when people insult my writing with no other reason than they didn't like it.
13. I've been studying/dissecting literature for years, I don't appreciate people when they criticize my literary opinions when all they do is read
14. I love to draw but I never have the time
15. I keep empty pens and pencils because they mean something to me
16. I have paid $16 for a nice mechanical pencil
17. I can quote movies from 10 years ago without trying, I can't remember what I did yesterday without some deep thought.
18. I am VERY opinionated
19. I daydream frequently
20. I always expect people to let me down, it's something I'm trying to change
21. I still collect LEGOs and build with them frequently
22. I have succumbed to the texting thing, I'm trying to get back to the calling thing
23. I can't keep a journal but I write on blogspot frequently
24. I'm done with the Rap/Hip-Hop fad
25. I am fascinated by people and their ideas, I want to know them all
26. I hate people thinking I'm judgmental because I'm LDS
27. I love being LDS and I try my best to live it correctly
28. I still have a stack of Pokemon cards I'm hoping to cash in one day
29. I have indeed been in love once
30. I want to be good at EVERYTHING: Dancing, Drawing, Writing, Medicine, Weight Lifting, Running, and Cooking are my top desires.
31. I want to be part of the Jabberwockeez
32. I don't need the best of everything. I have a crappy phone and banged up car and feel no desire to replace them
33. Every journal I have been given is either blank or filled with poems, not journal entries
34. I have the best circle of friends for me
35. I am a hopeless romantic
36. I remember my dreams vividly, even years later
37. I think Erin McCarley is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Fantastic singer too.
38. I have a fettish with J names, I think they're awesome
39. I only play video games if they have a good storyline
40. I'm still waiting for that Artemis Fowl movie
41. I frequently begin to think/talk like characters from movies/books after I've seen/read them for a few hours
42. I think simplicity is beauty
43. I listen to songs for the lyrics moreso than the music.
44. I love Quiznos, it has collected many of my paychecks
45. When I want a day to myself, doing anything (work, washing the car, doing dishes) is instantly a mark against that day. A day to myself means only what I want to do and nothing else.
46. I love passionate people, and open people. I can listen to people talk about their passions for hours
47. I can talk about MY passions for hours.. even days
48. I like cats more than dogs only because they're easier to take care of, minimal effort required
49. I seem lazy, but at work I go %110 percent. I've never had a boss mad at me.
50. When I have an idea, I will do ANYTHING to get to a pad of paper to write it down. I do pity the people that hold me up.
51. I love the rain
52. I'll often think in a British or Australian accent (and typically they sound like Hugh Laurie or Jesse Spencer)
53. I am blonde, and no I didn't color my hair, it went dark naturally
54. I'll admit, I'm a bit of smart alec
55. I'm trying to be less sarcastic, not sarcastic at all is the goal.
56. I hate overly sarcastic people. Sarcastic humor isn't even funny to my anymore.
57. I HATE HATE HATE "that's what she said" jokes unless it is on the Office. It's funny on there, it's never funny at any other time.
58. I do like modesty, and not just to be the good LDS kid, I really do hate when people show off more of themselves than they should. It's distracting
59. My parents and my friends have entirely different images of me, my friends have the more accurate one
60. I have been given boxers by a girl. I have given boxers to that girl. It's a standing tradition between us for birthday/Christmas gifts and we laugh every single time
61. I think the violin and piano are the best instruments, I wish I could play them
62. I want to learn to play the guitar
63. I never make a committment I can't keep
64. I am a time oriented person. I will be on time or early or else I become frustrated with myself, even if the other person doesn't care.
65. I love Europe and I want to go there someday and explore it.
66. I live too far away from my cousins
67. I do not like being interrupted or seeing other people interrupted
68. I don't like it when people volunteer me for things. Even if I would volunteer for it myself, it must be ME to volunteer
69. I ask a TON of questions
70. I'm very difficult to offend. Other than what I said above, I almost never get offended
71. I never swear. If I ever do (hasn't happened yet), it's a pretty good indication that you should leave me alone. Like really, that would be a very BAD sign.
72. I'm not a fan of psychology.
73. I think the Utah/BYU rivalry is incredibly stupid because everyone gets so offended by it. There's a way to have fun with it, as I have with some of my friends, but now I won't cheer for either team since this last game where I saw so many people at each others throats. I will now be rooting for both teams to lose.
74. The only time I watch sports is during March Madness. I've won the bracket 2 years straight
75. I'm slightly OCD. For instance, I had to think of lots of little things to get me to 75 because I couldn't stand to end on 71, 72, 73, or 74.
76. I now have to think of at least 4 more things because I just thought of one I had to put down
77. I'm a fan of symmetry. Symmetry + simplicity = Beauty
78. I like to take pictures
79. Dressing up (ex: tuxedo) does indeed make me feel good
80. I'm officially done writing this.

Sticky Sweet

Sticky Sweet

by Erin McCarley

Heres to who you ought to be
No wishin well could ever bring
You celebrate my smile.

You color my depressive mood
From gray to the most brilliant blue
Shape every tear into a candy sky.

Take me home to your secret
Take me home
To your wild sanctuary.

I don’t wanna hold off because you’re sticky,
You’re sticky-sweet on me.
I don’t wanna hold off cause I’m inspired
By your off-beat dreams.
They make me never forget
How it feels to be that fortunate someone
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna hold off.
You’re getting to me

Mm mm mm

This music in my head
Of heartshaped melodies in red.
If this is just the start I cant wait to hear the end.

The hours come and go
As we lay wrapped up tight in your silver glow
I've never been this content to be

Take me home to your secret.
Take me home
To your wild sancturary

I don’t wanna hold off because you're sticky
You're sticky-sweet on me.
I don’t wanna hold off cause I'm inspired
By your off-beat dreams
You make me never forget
How it feels to be that fortunate someone
I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna hold off
You're getting to me

Can you hear the angels singing?
While you lay your hands on me
Can you feel the bells a-ringing?
Well I surrender all of me (all of me)

I don’t wanna hold off because you’re sticky,
You're sticky-sweet on me
I don’t wanna hold off cause I'm inspired
By your off-beat dreams.
You make me never forget
How it feels to be that fortunate someone
I don’t wanna, no I don’t wanna,I don’t wanna hold off
You're getting to me

I don’t wanna, no I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna hold off
You're getting to meeeeeee

I don’t wanna hold off you're sticky-sweet.

The Curry of the Crop

It's more often than not that we see him play the villain in movies (or at least voice them) but who doesn't love it when they see the name Tim Curry appear on the screen? His deep voice is one that just screams that he's a villain, and his incredible talent as an actor make him one of my favorite actors to watch on screen. From being the notorious Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island, or the priest in The Three Muskateers, he's a memorable villain through and through. But that isn't his only talent. In Oscar he shows that he's more than capable of playing any role when he becomes a speech tutor for a mobster turned straight. I deeply miss the fact that he isn't in our movies anymore, for true acting is a talent that seems to be getting overlooked due to good looks and wealth. Still, we have the memories of great actors like Tim Curry, and a voice that I'll never forget.

Memoirs of Disney

Ah the Memories

"I'd like to help you, but I can't." -Mr. Incredible

***

"I've got a jar of dirt!" -Jack Sparrow

***

"It's lightningy!" -Remy

***

"This is Tiana, the waitress... Do not kiss her." -Prince Naveen

***

"I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously in that hat." -Wilbur Robinson

***

"The only girl who'd love him is his mother." -Yao

***

"Are you my conscience?" -Dori

***

"Take a bath you hippie." -Mr. Fredrickson

***

"No, I'm looking for a prince." -Nathaniel

***

"What corpse would marry our Victor?" Mrs. van Dort

***

"Something here that I'm not getting, though I try I keep forgetting like a memory long since past. Here in an instant, gone in a flash!" -Jack Skellington

***

"Do you see him now?" Trumpkin

***

"Where in the script does it say that Al will be played by a dark sinister man?" -Genie

***

"It's a PIR-AN-HA!" -Tantor

***

"Wo is my hair out?" -Hades

***

"We're painting the roses red, we're painting the roses red." -Card Soldier

***

"A baby! Did you hear that, all of these years they've been looking for a baby!" -Maleficent

***

"You're joking, you're joking! I can't believe my eyes! You're joking me, you've gotta be, this can't be the right guy!" -Oogey Boogey

***

"So far it's a rather uninspiring thing." -Zazoo

***

"The monkey's his uncle?" -Timon

***

"All you need is faith, trust, and pixie dust." -Peter Pan

***

"I was dealing with something... UGLY." -Parthos

***

"Of course we plan to resist, just give us a minute to plan alright?" -Parthos

***

"It's an old family recipe. In fact, that was part of the old family." -Long John Silver

***

"Be our guest." -Lumiere

***

"Spider psycho. Spider psycho. Spider psycho." -Morph

***

"I can't believe you totalled a mammoth."-Rutt

It Won't Put Itself Together

One doesn't have to be a close examiner of things to be able to observe some rather intriguing behaviors and beliefs that exist in our society. I find it rather strange that in a world where society dictates that you have to take what you want and go after it, we have so many people sitting around and merely praying for life to happen to them. I've nothing to say against prayer, I do it regularly, which perhaps is why I'm so surprised that people (particularly of mine own religion) seem to put so much upon their prayers that they forget to do their part. Praying to God for advice is what I would call a wise decision, and asking for His aid is nothing to scoff at, but it's what comes after that part taht I find rather disturbing. They do nothing. They sit around and wait for the miracles to come and yet they do nothing to help them to come.



I'd almost think that I seem to believe in a very different God. I believe in one that listens and answers all of my prayers, but I also believe that it is my responsibility to be actively engaged in recieving those answers. Most often He answers our prayers and grants miracles through other people, and if we are not vigilant and actively engaged then how are we to ever come across our answers? They are out there, waiting for us, if only we will take the opportunity to go out and collect them. Not to mention, we ourselves are pieces of the puzzle, and we hold answers that other people are searching for. Doing nothing not only deprives us of our answers, but others of their own. While people may think that doing nothing is harming no one, it is indeed the most destructive behavior one can fall into.



The only thing worse is the reaction that comes about when people finally behold that their laziness has been fruitless. They grow angry at God because He has not answered them, and their faith wavers and they give into the darkest thoughts thinking that God doesn't care enough to answer them, and they allow their minds to lead them down a path of destructive thinking. As you know, destructive thinking leads to destructive behavior, and then they continue to persist in their belief that it isn't their fault, that divine will has subjected them to their lot in life. I must admit, the fallacies of the world are fascinating, although depressing too.



It would be good of me to thank God for the fact that I was taught to seek my own answers early in life, saving me from falling into these pitholes that so many succumb to. It would do all well though if the next time they pray for an answer, or if you exclude religion and merely say that the next time someone wants to change their life for the better, it will never come about on its own. We can cause the change to come ourselves, and it is indeed our responsibility to do so.

Suppose We Call It Poetry

Here are some of my favorite poems that I've written. I'm not a fantastic poet by any means, but they're the best I've got:

Tying Shoelaces

It was only yesterday
When mom was tying your shoes
So that you wouldn’t trip and fall
Her little child bruise

It was only this morning
When you began to tie your own
A proud feeling came about you
From your face radiance shone

It was only this afternoon
Where you wouldn’t wear laces at all
Flip-flops, sandals, strap-ons
But over them you fall

As you tie your shoes this evening
Knees skinned and bruised
You wished you’d taken more time
To tie together your shoes

Heartbreak in Black and White

She cried her tears in black and white
They looked like blood upon her cheeks
In the darkened night her skin is pale
And a broken heart soundly weeps

He ripped it out and stabbed it through
Words a blade more fierce than knife
He tore her to shreds and left her exposed
Left to bleed on the frosty ice

Her faith, her trust, and all of her hope
Upon his shoulders these things she laid
Burdens he shrugged off without her know
Feeding her words while he’s unjustly paid

Now she sits on the ground, snow to her knees
Upon her chest is the blackest part
Her eyes are cold and hollow stones
All spirit and love now torn from her heart

An empty shell is left of this maid
Love she now hates and touch despise
Yet when she dreams, her heart does melt
The only window is in those eyes

So she walks on black and white streets
No color can touch her to light up her day
All she has left are miserable hopes
Hope that someone will open the way

And take her back to tender times…
…Sheltering her like a young dove
A song she sings for one to hear…
…Wishing to be held in arms of love

You Deserve It

Candle light flickers across her face
At dusk the black cats hiss
Into your arms does she embrace
And from her lips you steal a kiss

Thunder looms, dark clouds to drain
The midnight hour cues your scheme
And from her cheeks do tears run
In solitude does her soul careen

Livid fire to eat away your love
Truth deprives you of the other girl too
Left to eat crow, departing from the dove
No one to blame but you

Alone in My Chair

Here, esteem not my presence
Leave me alone in my solitude chair
These sounds do not delight in me
I’d rather watch then dance

Refuse not my unwavering denial
For it is the truth within my soul
I do not share these common interests
And so I cannot join the folly

This is not some clever ploy I have
To win your heart and whisk you away
Depart from me, I would implore
I care nothing for your sort

As now she leaves and I’m left alone
In the silence of the ballroom do I sit
Watching the endless charade and masquerade
And seeing the chaos in its endless struggle

Hearts fall to the floor and shatter like glass
Wine stains the white carpets of the world
From each young maiden there is a cry
And from each young man there is a grief

So spin your world on wobbly legs
Dance around until you are in your daze
For it is then that the world bits like a snake
Your ankles swell and then you will fall

This is the world that they have created
I refuse to partake, and so I shall sit in my chair

Passions

The studious passion from the sky
Are like embers of tea leaves in the cup
While we send our hopes and dreams to blue
They come not back down like granted wishes

The pencil that guides the hand along
Or the words that beckon the mouth to speak
Do not always work in such a way
For it is us that must be the guides

And such the same is said of fate
It is not for blue skies to define
But it is in our hands like clay to mold
Our passion lies within our hands

Mr. Poet, I Mean You No Offense

To Whom It May Concern

Bonk!
You're cursing fills the air
I was not where I ought to be again
And so I settle to your scolding
Holding my laughter inside
How good it feels,
To see you fall

Yet I pay twice the price
A coil snaps about my neck
Welted skin and bruised feelings
You see it as retribution

You blame my staggering once more
I was not vigilant enough it seems
To keep myself upon your good side
A task which few would undertake
The icy moods, the flush of change
Mine degradation
Mine own consent

I write down my excuses
Even though you'll never take them
Your accusations rise in the air
"You failed me yet again!"

"I was busy with another"
"I had pains to deal of my own"
"I tried my best, but I was delayed"
These phrases are lost to my journal
And my darkened eyes can find no better
Than to gaze upon you

A friend I thought
It was a wager I'd made
The flip of the coin and I had lost
Now I'm trapped with you again

Days of laughter now flaunt behind me
I'm not in their quarry any longer
I cling to the abuse handed to me
By a friend, so once were we called
I miss what used to be
Where have I failed to meet?

Too many times I've met with you
I think I'm done with your abuse
No, I expect no pleas for me to stay
Not until I'm too far away to hear

Easily replacable, I think you'll find
Of me to you, and of you to me
Or so I would like to believe
And yet each night I'll lie awake
And wonder where you are,
Where did you go?

I wish you better days
On candlelit flames I blow them out
Each one, a wish to you
In spite of all you've done

Hush! A Moment, Please

Wind and Window Flower

by: Robert Frost

Lovers, forget your love,

And list to the love of these,

She a window flower,

And he a winter breeze.

*

When the frosty window veil

Was melted down at noon,

And the caged yellow bird

Hung over her in tune,

*

He marked her though the pane,

He could not help but mark,

And only passed her by

To come again at dark.

*

He was a winter wind,

Concerned with ice and snow,

Dead weeds and unmated birds,

And little of love could know.

*

But he signed upon the sill,

He gave the sash a shake,

As witness all within

Who lay that night awake.

*

Perchance he half prevailed

To win her for the flight

From the firelight looking-glass

And warm stove-window light.

*

But the flower leaned aside

And thought of naught to say,

And morning found the breeze

A hundred miles away.

"How Many 'L's in Eliot?"

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

By: T.S. Eliot

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question …
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin? . . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.” . . . . .
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

***

If anyone can guess as to what the significance of the title of this post is, I would be very happy to hear it indeed. Since I doubt anyone will even venture a guess, it's a bit of a mockery of Lois Lane from Superman, always asking which word had any number of letters within it. Anyways, T.S. Eliot... is he not just a master with words? Look at the way this poem has been carefully molded and crafted, its easy to see that this is the work of pure genius is it not? This is a poem I have read many times and love a great deal. I do hope you enjoy it as well.

Sprouting Season

I had a high on Saturday, and it surprises me that I have not recorded such thoughts to remember. As I fail miserably at keepin a journal, for I have grown far too attached to typing in order to hold a pencil in my hand (I do miss the feeling of a firm pencil in my grasp from time to time though) I must needs record it here to where I might perchance upon this memory again when I am in need of inspiration. Here, my online journal, a public thing, but my thoughts were never meant to be kept to myself. Why hide who I am from the world? I fear not what the world thinks of me, but rather relish the chance that I might leave a mark upon it and vice-versa. Ah, but enough of that, the memory if you will.

I had always thought myself of a rather gentleman like figure, and if I might not be a perfect example of one, I do hope someday to achieve such an attitude even if lacking the uniform image. It so happened that I was at a social dinner, a collection of people near my age group, when I just so happened to go over and talk to some familiar faces when I ended up speaking in such a manner to a young woman. We had some fun rapport (I felt as much anyways) and I felt a part of me just open up. For many years now I've been longing for the time when I would allow myself to speak more freely and hoped that which I was freeing was of a gentleman nature, and I believe it was. I found an accomplice in the sister of one of my friends (Trent being the friend, Aimee being his sister and my accomplice) in securing the number of this girl whom I was so joyfully engaging with just moments earlier. She is aware of this fact, and I do so wonder what I can do with this number.

You have to understand my mindset. Engaging with someone whom I am very unfamiliar with is as much fun as I can possibly have. That person's mind is a mystery to me, and I want to peer behind the curtain and see what wonderful things await behind there, for all thoughts are wonderful are they not? Well, I realize that is debatable, but still, I wish to bring about the point that the unknown is a most wonderful thing to dive into. As such, a new acquaintance has me in a rather high mood, such highs that most people must get off of substance abuse I manage to find in human beings (just to show how much healthier my addictions are for those who are skeptical of me). Anyways, here I am with this little path to a new road in the palm of my hand. As always, I pray to God that I might venture my way through this properly and be led to where I ought to be led, and not allow the whims and thoughts of others to corrupt such plans as I have. My desires are to interact and enjoy getting to know a person, if I may, as it pends very much on her desires which I must respect at all costs.

So what purpose is this entry? I'm recording nothing more than the thrill I had of being freed of my usual bonds and being able to be myself. I record this moment as a reminder that the man inside me is indeed good and has been, and to never give up or think that such a man within me exists. Also, an encouragement for me in the future to constantly seek people out. Such wonders lie within the minds of others, and they encourage growth within me and I might offer something to them. But also, a reminder not to look at people as puzzles to unlock. The unknown is interesting, but the familiar provides such a wonderful home that its difficult to leave, and finding familiarity within people is a feeling of home that is to be treasured high above all. I'll remember this day I came by her number, and hopefully memory of a date will soon follow this. Whatever comes, remember the thrill. Sprout and grow.

"It's Elementary My Dear Watson"

It's typical of me to ask a question as to propose my thoughts to the world, but I feel secure enough to make this a statement: great writing invigorates the mind. When I read I get the sense that a doorway has been opened to me and the author has now let me into his/her mind and view the world through his/her eyes. I gain their knowledge, their insights, their points of view, and I begin to understand things in a very different manner. It can be dangerous to venture too deeply within another person's mind, as it can sometimes be difficult to return. Then our own sense of identity is lost, surrendered. Still, I find nothing logically wrong with broaching the minds of others and utilizing their mindsets, we are adaptable creatures overall. We have the capacity to not be overcome, but to twist and fold such thoughts and synthesize them with our own. This is, essentially, the process of evolution, if only a mental state. We learn and grow, and largely, we evolve our thought process.

The mind of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle conjured up the fascinating character Sherlock Holmes and his partner John Watson and created a literary masterpiece that has survived for over a hundred years, and it shows no signs of slowing. Sherlock Holmes has been taken by more modern day artists and fashioned into a television show, movies, and cartoon series if you would, but it is the most recent movie of Sherlock Holmes (Starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, and Rachel McAdams) that has been most invigorating to me. I've read the books some years ago though it has been awhile since I have laid eyes on them since, and I can't believe what I have allowed my mind to miss. Right now I stand here with my mind racing, thinking of problems I've had for days and trying to solve them from new aspects. I find myself looking everywhere around my house, noting the placement of different items around me, ever mindful of my surroundings. I feel so alive right now, it's hard to explain in mere words. My only wish is that it wasn't so late and I might be able to engage a fellow human being in conversation, for I have much to say and I worry that this mood will not last long enough for me to expound my thoughts to the world.

Thus why I'm here, blogging.

I have no reason to confess my solutions to problems that have been plaguing me on here, for that is far more detail than I care to go into this evening, but rather to take a moment and mark this moment of heightened senses and thought in history. Here now, a digital reminder to me of the power a book/movie/idea can invigorate a man's soul. I write this and mark it as a reminder to myself, as well as to anyone. When problems come your way, the answer is quite simple: research. Problems are often too complex for our solo thoughts to defeat alone, or present themselves in such a way that our narrow minds cannot work their way around them. There is a solution. Books and movies, novels and ideals, all of these things are floating in the air waiting to be welcomed into the chambers of our mind and show us a different route. There is a far more useful option to even that: people. While movies and books might be ways for us to enter the mind of someone, directly entering the mind of someone through conversation can be an even more enlightening process. Unity among people and the diversity of thoughts are more than enough to fell any problem. The answers exist among us, it's all a matter of opening our minds and asking the right questions.

Right now I can see the world where people engage with each other in such a manner, a unified body of individuals, of all individuals in existence, would never suffer difficulty again. Man and woman, old and young, white and black, thousands of things cause us to be different, we are as diverse as the difficulties that can assail us. It's not a coincidence. We are this way in order to solve problems. The solutions exist, no matter how improbable it may seem. "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Bon Appetit!

Tonight I put another chapter from the wonderful novel "The Man Who Loved Books Too Much" under my belt and I can't shake the joyous feeling and enormous gratitude I feel to the author, Allison Hoover Bartlett. It's like eating a Milky Way bar. Incredibly satisfying, and while there may be a million other people eating a Milky Way at the same moment that I am, they are not eating this one.

I love it when a book speaks to you. Books talk all of the time, if you care to listen, saying many things about the authors who wrote them. There are many authors out there whose books tend to scream "Look at me! Look at me! I'm such a great writer!" and while they indeed may be, it is easy to see that the book was written for the sole purpose of gain and is doing less with the writing.

This is why Eoin Colfer is my favorite author. Have we ever seen him going around publicizing his books and talking about how great he is? Well, maybe he does in Ireland, I'm not sure, but to me that only connection I have with my favorite author are the books that he writes, and what a connection it is! While I watch as everyone gathers around and worships one particular book, going from fad to fad, I feel that each book Eoin Colfer publishes is like him coming to me, putting the book in my hands and saying "Here, this one is just for you."

Each time I dive into Eoin Colfer's books, I feel as though it were written just for me. It contains everything that I love, every writing trick and story arch that sends my mind up the wall, devouring each book as though it were my last meal. I've had a very difficult time even giving other authors a chance because Eoin Colfer knows how to write books for me, but I am indeed glad that I have ventured out. Where Eoin Colfer is my favorite author, this woman comes in second. Allison Hoover Bartlett has written a book that has satisfied my great hunger once again (a very good thing as Eoin Colfer has not released a book for some time). Unlike how I devour Colfer's work, her writing forces me to slow down and savor. It's not a book I feel I could dive into and read quickly, but it's due to that slow nature that makes it taste so moist and sweet. While I know many who would undoubtedly enjoy this book as I, part of me can't help but smile to think that another author has written a spectacular piece just for me.

I tip my hat to all authors out there for putting out their works for the people. While I may hate some (James Patterson... cough...) and love others (Eoin Colfer and Allison Hoover Bartlett) I pay my respects to all who offer up their works to the public and feed the public's hunger for an escape from the everyday. Eoin Colfer and Allison Hoover Bartlett write for me (or so I'd like to think) and other people will say that certain writers write just for them. I think everyone needs to find an author that fills them as such, and everyone should indeed take the time to read! Alas, in honor of the book "Julie and Julia" (though namely because my mom and sister were just watching the movie) I'd like to end tonight by saying:

"Bon Appetit!"

Freud and the Chill Pill

I couldn't resist. While searching for a picture to fit with my rant about my eternal fear of oceans, I came upon this lovely picture and was reminded of Freud's iceberg theory, about how most of our thoughts are unconscious. I'm not going to rant and rave about why I hate Freud, because this is a subject where I can somewhat agree. Namely, I just wanted to share this really awesome picture. Enjoy.

Take Me Away

Isn't this a beautiful image? The blue waters of the vast ocean are a wondrous beauty, a testament to the loveliness of our planet. It's no wonder that so many people are drawn to the beach when they want to get away and relax. The ocean provides a calm mood, the beach a scene where we can forget out cares and watch the blue waves. The ebb and flow, isn't it lovely?

And incredibly terrifying?

Each entry I add to this blog makes me feel like I'm at a confessional... other than the fact that I'm not Catholic, and there is no priest, and no charge! Still, it sounds like I'm confessing a deep and dark secret, something of embarrassment, when I shouldn't feel embarrassed at all. It makes me who I am, and who I am is terrifed of deep water. I feel no fear for the animals tha dwell within it (not saying I'd get chummy with a shark by any means, but they don't frighten me) but rather the ocean itself. If I can see the bottom of the body of water, I'm fine (I don't freak out in the deep end of swimming pools so don't worry) but when you get to the vast, dark depths of the sea and even some lakes, it makes me want to faint. I'm a bit claustraphobic, forgive me if I spelled that incorrectly but I'm too lazy to look up its proper spelling at the moment. Anyways, I find it strange how somehting that can be so beautiful and fascinating can terrify me.

The clearness of the water is a huge factor in my fear, and unclear waters scare the crap out of me. I have to be able to see, and if you had one blind eye you'd have a greater love and appreciation for sight as I have. As it were, I tend to get freaked out even when I watch movies where the characters are in deep water and there is nothing to be seen for miles around. SCARES. ME. TO. DEATH. Yet when they take those underwater films where they are near the reef and there are tons of fish, I feel fine watching those. Perhaps I fear the unknown more than the water, or I would assume that if it weren't for the fact that the dark doesn't frighten me at all. I love the dark actually, it's cozy and private, very much like a beach.

As such, for me, when I want to retreat and relax I'd rather take the opportunity to go into a dark room, turn on a single lamp, and either read or write quietly. I like to do this particularly on snowy days, in the early hours before the snow has been disturbed and my family is awake, but that's a topic for another day.

Ocean, I do not hate you, I think you are beautiful in many aspects, but you scare me (sorta like a woman... again, another topic for another day, tomorrow is going to be busy). I hope that you understand that you and I were simply not meant to be my dear, but may you forever go on being as blue as you are and bring that peaceful bliss to many people. Goodbye dear Ocean, may we never meet again.

People Are People

What does it mean to be a person? I'm not talking about being human, I'm talking about being a person. People can be anything they choose to be, or so it is said, but we can't really choose to be something that we're not can we? We can't choose to be cats or dolphins because we are people, but because we think and are intelligent, we believe we can somehow be and do anything. This can be an excellent driving factor in our lives to lead us to become more tahn we are, a way to improve ourselves, but it can also cause us to be prideful and to think ourselves better than what we really are.

Maybe it would be better to phrase the question as "What should a person be?" That is my question to you world:

What should a person be?

IGNORANCE

Ignorance

By Paramore

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me
Well, I guess I'll make my own way
It's a circle, a mean cycle
I can't excite you anymore

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well, sentence me to another life

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
'Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same

We're the friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend

This is the best thing that could've happened
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it
It's not a war, no, it's not a rapture
I'm just a person but you can't take it

The same tricks that, that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
Well, now I can fend for myself

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
'Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same

Yeah, we used to stick together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

Knowing

Isn't there a miraculous feeling that rises within you when you stumble upon an intriguing mystery. Some may find this reading stories, others may see it simply when an aspect of life confounds them to craving the truth, but most commonly I would think is merely when our eyes land upon an interesting person and we wonder what that person is like. It's that really cheesy, simple crush you have on a person, where they have that look to them that is intriguing, a beauty of its own level, and we often imagine ourselves going and speaking to the person. We imagine what we would say, and how they would respond. A clever introduction we may think up and of course they'll play along. We imagine these people that, because they are interesting, that they might have that one personality that fits snuggly with our own. We hope for it, and at times we allow our thoughts to lead us to such a heavenly little world that we forget to live in our own time. The mystery is wonderful, but is it better than knowing?

Knowing of my obsession with House, it shouldn't surprise you that I'm going to compare this situation to an episode within Season 4. House is treating a magician who has a few tricks that even House can't understand. At first he scolds the magician for being a fraud, saying that he's cheating people by lying to them, to which the magician answers that he is not cheating them because he is giving them what they want. People enjoy mystery, they love it, and the fact that they don't know or understand creates a euphoric feeling. There is something wonderful that we can't explain, but it's wonderful, so why must we explain it? As the episode goes on and the magician gets worse, House finally figures out the disease that is so ailing him, to which, he smiles and tells the magician:

House: Trust me, it's way cooler to know.

I have found little about this fictional TV character that I disagree with, and I therefore agree. Sometimes its a drag to discover that your dreams aren't fulfilled in a person, but it could lead to something better. So, perhaps this week I'm going to take another page out of House's book and relinquish the mystery and delve into the known. Hopefully some good things await me.

"People Are Hell"

So said Sartre about human relationships. The brilliant philosopher discussed that the only reason people interact with people is because we need them, otherwise the misery that they cause us would simply drive us all away from human contact in order to keep our soundness of mind. People drive us crazy, they make us mad, they make us miserable, and frankly piss us all off. But happiness can only be obtained through people and human contact, sadly it just seems that the happiness in human relations is slowly dying these days. People lie to one another, keep things secret that should be discussed, we cuss out strangers and hate people that we don't even know. Everyone is out for their own gain, people are only nice if it benefits them, otherwise they are hellions. Yet, we need them... I need people, I know this for a fact, although it is days like this when I think of those that I call "friends" when I truly wonder how miserable I could possibly be alone. I know it's a foolish though, I've only felt my happiest when with people, but sometimes there are days like todays that turn into weeks and months and even years. I remember my happiest days, when do I get to go back to them again?

"People are hell," says Sartre, and I'm too tired to argue. Another day, perhaps, I'll fight him on this, but not this night. Tonight I agree. Hopefully tomorrow changes things.

"Well, that's what she said!"

Confession time once again, though upon a rather familiar topic. Remember me speaking about women not being shown respect/not respecting themselves? It's all about image in today's world, and the image that people aspire to is beauty and recognition, and will gain it at any cost. Well, at least that's something I've thought of the Star world (you know, those people that make the big bucks from us because of the entertainment they provide) but there are always exception to the rule. Enough exceptions and you have to change the rule, but that's a topic for another day. Here's an example of the beauty tha self respect adds to a person. This woman is definately not lacking in beauty, I've always found her very attractive, but now there's an even better shade of attraction to her, not to mention respect.

Natalie Portman (Star Wars anyone?) came out in public and said that she is refusing to do any nude takes on camera. One film where she did a strip scene (Hotel Chevalier) got people going crazy, and worst of all, pictures from the film have been scattered about pornographic sites (I'm taking it from the article at http://http//movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=450556&GT1=28101 because I'm not going to verify this myself) and this upset the beautiful actress. She made some rather good remarks about people trying to use their bodies to attain their popularity and stardom, and that she will not be one of those people to do such. It's always fun to hear stories about this, it warms my heart at least. All I have to say is, stick with it Natalie Portman, stick with it!

Gray Skied Mornings

These are the most comfortable days to ever be imagined. My parents are at work, my sister is still sound asleep, and here I am, sitting in the living room with the luminous gray skies just beyond the windows. Some people might take these gray skies as a dismal day, dark and gloomy, but there's something about them that I simply cannot resist. I don't know why I feel so at home when the sun is hiding and the sky is gray, but I feel an incredible sense of peace whenever I stare out that window. It's one of those days when I like to wake up and curl up with a good book, especially since I have acquired one recently. Book lovers should look into The Man Who Loved Books Too Much by Allison Hoover Bartlett, it will renew your love for books tenfold. Gray sky mornings are also great for writing.

Everytime I write, I feel as though I'm struggling against some sort of force whenever I pick up that pencil or open up a Word file. There's always some argument to be made, some sort of opposition to rise against, and writing seems to be my way of clashing with ideas. Then these days roll around where I feel no sense of desire to argue. It's a good day, one to remind me that, yes, there are many things in the world that I'm unhappy with, but that's okay. I write because I want to get published, but not for money, I just want to be heard and hope that someone, somewhere, might be changed because of it. I challenge societal views not in anarchy, but just to get people thinking. I don't want people to disagree with me, I want them to clash with me so we can learn each other's views and both grow. That's what I do day in and day out, but not today. Today, the world is a beautiful scene and I feel absolutely no desire to debate.

Rather than clash and learn, which I feel is very important, today is the day I want nothing more than peace. I want to find a fellow soul and laugh. Laugh at the world, with the world, heck, the world can join us for a hot cup of cocoa and all three of us can kick our feet up and laugh together as we stare into the gray sky. We'll take a moment from the calamity of life and look at the positive things it has to offer and all of the good we have obtained. It'll be a day of revelation for the three of us, and realize just how lucky we are to be a part of this world. We are really. A world full of opportunities if we only will take the time to find them. We'll put our regrets behind us and stare at the future and toast it. It's getting brighter everyday.

So here I am, praying that the sun won't emerge today, that I'll have a full day of gray skies and blissful peace. Perhaps today I'll write about something just as wonderful. Nothing big, just something to capture the mood I'm in, and maybe share a piece of it to everyone around me. Today is a day not to share my ideas, but to share my appreciation with everyone around me. Thank you all for all you do, for your friendship and kindness, and willingness to put up with my blunt and stubborn behavior. I don't nearly say it enough, but I'm thankful for my friends. I hope it doesn't take me until the next gray sky to remember how much they mean to me, or to express to them how they've helped me through life. Thank you all, and may your skies always be gray and blissful.

Remind Me Again...

There's a magical feeling you get when you dive into the unknown for the first time. There are moments when you don't know what to expect. My obsession with House was stemmed within this surprising excitement. I first watching House M.D. during the end of Season 4 and towards the beginning of Season 5. I bought the entire second season one day and remember the feeling of putting it into the DVD player for the first time. I was used to Thirteen, Taub, and Kutner and was unfamiliar with still many names, and as such found it a wonderful joy to engage in the previous seasons with previous doctors. There was just this rush I felt when the first episode came on, and I wondered what it would all contain. Though I'm still obsessed with House, I sometimes wish I was being reintroduced to it to recapture that feeling.

Such has been the same for dating with me. Going out was so fun when it started... and died quickly afterwards. I'm pretty sure you've sense that I have some animosity towards having to constantly follow a set of standardized rules that many would agree suck and yet still follow blindly, unwilling to change. Anywho, what I mean to say is that I need that sense of mystery and excitement reintroduced into my life. Whether it means that I need to move away from here and just start over or something, I don't know, or maybe meet some new people. Life has become quite congested and... well, the same. I need something new in life.

Mock Turtle Soup

Reluctancy is such an undermining process. Has there ever been a moment when you see someone that you really desire to talk to, and yet that part of you is needing more time to drum up the courage to do so? You sit there and decide you'll feel better if you think of what to say, but then you begin on that process and start worrying about what they'll say back to you. Will it inconvenience them? Do you look pathetic doing so? There's this image that we want to sustain, that perfect image that we feel if we don't portray correctly then it has no prayer of happening. We imagine our own defeat before we even have the chance to fight.

I'll admit, I've backed myself down and then justify that it didn't mean anything, that if it was meant to be it would have worked out somehow. It's a load of crap. I know it, you know it, we all knwo it. Opportunity doesn't grab us, we grab hold of it and hang on for dear life. So, here's a promise to myself to act upon the next opportunity that I see rather than talk myself down. Here's to finding more stories to fill my life with and more people to extend to.

Cameron and Chase

By now you've no doubt caught notice of my obsession with House, and among my favorite characters from House are Allison Cameron and Robert Chase. Cameron is a young, beautiful woman that becomes maternal of every single patient she meets. Chase tries to be like House, indifferent and brilliant, and he is quite the ladies man. He's the non commitment type while Cameron married a man despite the fact that he was dying, and somehow these two different individuals are brought together in time. In spite of what Chase did in Season 6 episode "The Tyrant" he is still a relatively prime image of what a good man should be like (at least according to the latter end of Season 3 to the end of Season 5).

In spite of the "playing the field" attitude Chase carries with him from the early seasons, as well as his thoughts that beauty and attractiveness are a requirement in the world (according to Season 1 Episode "Heavy") he somehow changes to a romantic with a view of love that the world could consider childish and improbable. His relations start with Cameron when they both see that their jobs keep them from any true relationships, and so they (in a very noncommitted way) begin to see each other. Cameron makes it very clear that she had no interest in a serious relationship with him, and she even chooses him because he is the one she is least likely to fall in love with, but still, time begins to change them. As they go through more cases together, Chase even backing up a few of Cameron's ideas only because they were seeing one another, Chase realizes that his feelings for Cameron extend to beyond the physical realm. Sadly, when he makes his feelings known to her and that he wants a serious relationship, she turns him down.

This brings about the awkwardness of dating a coworker: when the relationship goes bad. There is bad blood between the two of them, most of it coming from Cameron's side. During the Season 3 episode "Act Your Age" we see them going through the rough ends of their break up. Chase even calls Cameron out, saying she was the one to break things off with him, and that she had no right to be angry. While admitting she's sad they're done, she sticks to her feelings about not wanting a relationship, and eventually apologizes for hurting Chase, but reiterating that she had no feelings for him, to which Chase responds (as I can only recall from memory):

Chase: You do have feelings for me. You love everyone. You love every patient and child that you don't even know and yet me, someone you've worked with for three years, you're trying to say that you don't feel anything?

This is delayed when a patient's son, jealous of Chase because he likes Cameron, comes and bites Chase so that Cameron cannot reply. At the end of the episode, Chase leaves flowers for Cameron that aren't stolen (as the boy mentioned earlier stole some for her) and she again tells Chase that she doesn't want anything more with him... and again...

Chase: I know. I also know how much you love flowers.

This begins Chase's persistence in convincing Cameron she loves him too, not willing to give up on her. He does so in a simple way, every Tuesday he tells her that has feelings for her and wants them to be together. Nothing more than that, just a weekly reminder if she changes her mind. Needless to say, it drives Cameron right for awhile, but other issues take priority. Foreman leaving the team seems to drown out all else, but when House fires Chase due to "needing a change" (though it's most likely due to Chase calling House a coward for not telling Foreman that he likes to work with him) it strikes a nerve in Cameron. Having been in love with House for a long time, and seeing him like this, turns a new page for her. She quits the team along with Foreman, and ends up going to Chase.

During the next season they are seen happy together, and their relationship isn't really scrutinized until Season 5. When Cameron joins up with House's team to treat a man with severe agoraphobia, House strikes up the issue that the couple mostly spend time at Chase's apartment rather than sharing their apartments equally when they first began to date. Cameron raises this issue, to which Chase seems reluctant to talk about at first, but eventually he comes forward with a truth that comes as a shock to her. The reason they spend time at his place as opposed to hers is because he is only a guest over there, and she seems to rush him out of the door as soon as possible the next morning. It's a shocking revelation as in most television series (or life for that matter) it's usually a problem with the guy rather than the girl... or so we think. To me, seeing this example made me smile. The guy being right and the girl being wrong, but the guy says this graciously rather than rubbing it in, and together they resolve it. Though its far from the last issue that they have.

The next one arises when Cameron finds a wedding ring in Chase's sock drawer, and she prolongs their vacation because she doesn't want him to ask her to marry him. After Kutner's suicide, they're all shaken up, and she doesn't want it to be a spur of the moment thing. She runs and hides so to speak, and Chase reiterates a point he made earlier with the apartment dispute: "I can't keep chasing you forever." Chase decides to end it, which is what Cameron wanted because she can't stand to end it (due to still wanting to be with him) but a talk with House makes her realize her mistake. Despite the fact that she foiled his elaborate vacation plans and set up to propose, Chase asks her to marry him and all is well... momentarily.

As they make their wedding plans, some of Cameron's issues arise, and she tells Chase that she had some of her deceased husband's sperm frozen, and that she wants to keep it as a prenup. Chase, who is in love with her and never plans to hurt her, doesn't want a prenup, believing that they'll be together forever in spite of Cameron's doubts. This leads to postponing the wedding, and Cameron believes its the end, and she goes to House once again for advice. When confronted with whether she thinks they will last, they enter another metaphorically colorful conversation:

Cameron: I don't plan on my apartment burning down, but I still pay for fire insurance.

House: If your apartment didn't let you buy fire insurance, would you go homeless?

Cameron changes her mind about keeping the sperm, and tells Chase that she's willing to destroy it and that she wants to get married. This makes Chase very happy, but again, to give even more credit to Chase, it doesn't end there. At the end of the episode, he confronts Cameron, telling her that he knows she doesn't want to destroy it. She says she will, and he asks her to visualize them in five years, telling them about the life he sees, and if she would destroy it then. Then ten years, saying they have five children and are ridiculously happy, and asks her if she would destroy it then. He sees that the sperm is not meant to be a prenup, but its the last memory she has of her departed husband, and he tells her to keep it.

Overall, I just felt it a pleasure to write about Cameron and Chase, a couple that is peculiar by all means namely because its a relationship where most (if not all faults) have resided within the girl. Cameron's character is a very kind and nurturing person, which just shows that there is fault in all of us, whereas Chase shows what good guys are like. The point and purpose of me writing about this? No one is perfect, but when people come together, they can get close. As Season 6 sadly points out between this beautiful romance, it's when a couple begins to act as a pair of individuals that the relationship falls apart. To me, that seems to be the number one reason that divorce happens and that relationships crap out, people act more like individuals when they should be acting as couples. Food for thought. Enjoy.

If I Were An Evil Genius...

In 7th grade I was introduced to a series called Artemis Fowl. I have read every book within the series to date and the characters within the story have become a definite part of my life. Eoin Colfer is by far my favorite author and I'm ever in debt to him for introducing me to new, fantastic worlds and amazing characters. If you haven't checked him out, you should, the Irish author is one of the best authors to date.

Everybody Lies

This poster is now hanging in my room.

Dr. Wilson: Admit the past, deny the present. Dr. Hadley: Everything has a reason. Dr. Kutner: Doing things changes things. Dr. Chase: Don't blame me, blame my gender. Dr. House: Hope is for sissies. Dr. Foreman: Bad mojo is not a diagnosis Dr. Cuddy: Don't trust opinions. Dr. Cameron: Something is something. Dr. Taub: Be good, get good or give up.

Perfection Is Not a Solo Act

To all women in the world: I'm sorry. It's a rather saddening thing to see the standards of perfection set aside by society that women are forced to live up to if they are ever to be "happy" in life. Society demands a perfect body image and also dictates the way a woman should handle herself and act. When I see the societal demands upon them, I thank the Lord that I am a man, but it would be wrong for me to think that I pulled the long straw and women pulled the short, believing that you get what you get and that's all there is. True, in the world, you do get what you get because that is how we have taught ourselves to think. You're given beauty or you aren't, which means you are either screwed or you're lucky. Middle boundary? By definition, there isn't one, unless you count the one that society has made. If you lack the looks society demands, they have offered you a way to get them, and society strongly suggests that you take these offers. Friends, family, how sad is it that faces both familiar and strange force women to obey such arbitrary laws. As a man, I feel lucky, but to avoid being the "average" man, who merely thinks that society ought to be obeyed, I do send my sympathies to women and encourage them that not all care for societies standards. Be happy with yourselves. And this may sound like feigned affection coming from me (a good looking guy by society's standards.. or so I've been told) but maybe hearing how the stereotypical guy hates the stereotypical ways of society might give you some comfort that more of us exist. Nice guys do exist, and there is always the right guy for the right girl.

Just for fun, allow me to explain who my "dream" girl would be. I say this reluctantly because I'm pretty sure the moment I define her, I'm going to fall for someone who is an exact opposite. Still, I venture away from societal thoughts to a degree. How so? Here so:

The perfect girl for me will have a lovely face. Call me out on being superficial, but I guarantee you there is not a person alive that would date/marry a person whose face they found to be atrocious. I love the simple and plain beauty above the modelesque type (odd yes?). Soft and cheerful faces are indeed lovely, but I also enjoy a women whose face has shape and form, a face that is striking and lingers in my mind. A beautiful smile would be spectacular, and I'm very fond of dark hair and dark eyes. I'm not dissing on blondes, as I am one you see, but blonde is my least favorite hair color. I like brown (any shade) or black the most, although my favorite would probably be crimson red (light red is lower than blonde on the list). It would be great for the eyes to match. Brown/Black eyes with Brown/Black hair is a great match, or that lovely crimson headed girl with green eyes is a perfect combination. Blonde hair and blue eyes is nice too, but again, lower on the list.

Now for some touchy bits, and I hope I'm not too risque in saying these things. I'm blunt, I admit, so please bear with me if I sound a bit picky. I prefer girls with an athletic build, namely because I enjoy recreation and sports and would like my girl to enjoy these things as well and be able to participate. I am a stickler for this, typical I know, but as risque as the next statement will be, it'll probably be more shocking: A's and B's are better than C's and D's. I really hope you know what I mean cause I don't want to explain what that statement means, but I will explain what it means to me. I do not like women with large busts, and I especially hate it when they are falling out of their clothes. Honestly, I DO NOT want to see it so please save it for somebody who does. Sadly most of my fellow men would enjoy the view, but please, do not show off this much of yourself to me, it's disgusting and distracting in every possible way. Clothes that cover are the best, I would rather gaze into your eyes than elsewhere, but if someone creates a giant sign that says "LOOK" on it, it's hard to look away right? That's what you do when you dress so poorly. I know where the gold is, and it's all above the shoulders, and it would be of great service to me, helping me be a more respectable man, if you would help me by dressing accordingly. Thank you.

As I ran Cross Country and Track, girls with nice legs are a bonus, but again, it's not like I'm going to be looking down there so it's more of just a side note. I prefer fair skin to tanned skin, and the more raw beauty the better. Please don't overdue with makeup, in fact, you really don't need to bother. I know women hate to hear that for the most, and while I find you absolutely beautiful without it, it's hard to go into public without it, I understand. It's more of me just wanting you to know that it's the real you I've got my eye on, not the inch of make up some girls put on their faces.

Now that I've spelled out the shallow reasons (physical appearance) of my dream girl, let's get onto the real meat. Any of the following easily rule out anything stated above. My most vivid dream is to find someone who really understands me and who I'm happy with. If I have that, there's nothing else required.

I want a girl with passion. A girl I knew had an obsession with Smallville, a show which I didn't much care for, but I loved to hear her talk about it. The mention of Smallville would cause her face to light up, and she could talk about it for hours on end. She had such a passion for it that it made me smile, and though I didn't care much for the show when I watched it, I was enchanted by her passion. I could listen to her talk about it for hours and never grow tired of the giddiness her eyes and voice, and I've come to realize that I need someone who has a passion for something, anything really. People who have that kind of passion about anything in life are truly amazing people, and this is one of the top priorities on my list.

People say opposites attract, others dispute it. More oft than not, similarities attract, and as such I do want my passions and her passions to be similar. BUT we also have to be different enough that we aren't clones. I want a girl that has enough differences that she'll drag me out of my comfort zone and push me into trying new things (and vice versa). Complacency is so boring, and is ultimately a relationship killer. Whatever it is... salsa dancing or whatever, even if I always feel self conscious when I do these activities, I want a girl that will keep dragging me to them and always inspire me to broaden my horizons. She needs to be adaptable and want to broaden her horizons too. A close minded woman is not the girl for me. EVER.

There are so many personality characteristics one could list, good things girls could have, but she should also be human and have flaws, and be okay with her flaws. Someone who is aware that they aren't perfect is truly perfect. I hate to see some girls cater to their guys, trying to fulfill his every whim and desire to be that "perfect" girl. Perfection isn't a solo act sweetheart, it takes two to tackle that. She needs to be a team player, and very open. I DO want to hear it all, I do, I do, I do! Everything you have to say is important to me, please don't hold anything back. We're all entitled to a few secrets, but I hope she never thinks "oh, he'll think it's stupid" and say nothing. I'd rather hear it and get a better understanding of her than be dating a fraud. Please, even tell me if you hate the movie we went to, even after I say I love it. Relationships don't last unless you learn to break down the individuals and build yourselves closer together. Personality flaws? By societal standards, they may be, but they're what makes you, well, you.

Please, please, no pet names. Here's the deal. There are so many wonderful adjectives to describe people with, praises that can last forever, and there are even some feelings that can't be expressed by words... or can they? There is one word that sums up every loving feeling I hold towards you: you're name. I'm not saying your name as a formality, when I say your name, I'm saying everything you are to me. That doesn't mean I'll never compliment you, I will for sure, but I hope you realize that when I call you "Jenny" (just thought a J name would be nice, you know my fetish with them!) instead of "babe" (I REALLY detest that pet name, I will NEVER call a girl that) it is a compliment.

Above all, I want someone who gets me, someone that I can just click with. Someone who believes in fairy tales and will push me to being the best man I can be. I dream big, and I'm a stubborn mule, plus many other things. They can be bad qualities, but I try my best to utilize them for good. Mostly, I just want someone that I can feel comfortable around at all times. No pressure, no pain, just... good feelings.

The world may constantly spit in your face and tell you: "You're nothing if not beautiful." but just know that there is beauty in all things, and different people will find different things beautiful. I could go on for days about the things that make me hate the "beauty" most people speak of (I mean.. come on, Megan Foxx is NOT an example of beauty... her face is weird) but I think that's enough ranting for now. Be happy, and open your mind to the possibilities and opportunities that the world has to offer. The stereotypical best looking person might not be the best for you. Learn to listen with your heart, and (as they say in those jewelry commercials) keep it open, and love will find its way in. If there is one thing I can say I need in a girl.. it's that click. The "click" overshadows all other things, because deep inside your chest is a little organ saying "Yep, that one." Argue as you might, somehow, you just know. Don't give up on your dreams, but don't become so focused on them that you ignore the promptings around you. You never know when the right one will walk into your life, or if they are already in it, but the more you open your mind and expand your horizons, the better life you will lead and the happier you will be.

The World Ends With You. Remember that. You determine how large your world is and who is inside it, and what it takes for you to be happy in that world. Choose your own happiness, don't let others dictate it to you. Remember, perfection does not exist in one individual, but it can within the bond between two. Are these the rantings of a poor sap, a hopelessly romantic nice guy that hopes his kind actions will lead him to greater happiness? You betcha. But when all else has failed, why not dream?

Perfection is not a solo act... nor is happiness.

But we have the power to decide: happiness or misery. If you're not getting what you want, change it... keep searching, and never give up.

Dream big. Dream loud. Dream right.

One For Each Year: 10 Goals of the New Year

Midnight has passed and the first day of 2010 has already gone by. A New Year has been brought in and the old one retired. These are the days that we tell ourselves all that we will accomplish over the next year, the goals we hope to have checked off by then. I've rarely thought to myself that I will set goals, but perhaps the New Year is a fitting time for such reflection. These are my goals for this year:

1. Expand my horizons-This is my goal every year, to continue to push the boundaries of my mind and have a more expansive, knowledgeable vision of people and life.

2. Finish my novel-I'll soon be filling out my mission papers and heading out to where God desires me to be. There's a story in my heart that needs to be told, one I hope to publish someday, and I want to have the first draft of it done before leaving.

3. Be a better friend-I try my hardest to be the most understanding and helpful friend I can be, and I think most of my friends would say I'm doing good, but there's always a way to be better.

4. Read more books-Again, before I take off, I have a list of about seven books I want to finish. I hope to read more than that, but they are good enough to start.

5. Go to the gym-Okay, I know this is on everybody's list, but I've been doing pretty good this week and I did used to go everyday for months on end. Time to restart that. I want to be healthy.

6. Make more friends-There's nothing wrong with my friends, they're the best, but I need to make more to help progress goal #1. Live. Clash. Learn. New friends are great to make.

7. Make a difference-I want to live my life so that it's worth something. I want something to be different because of me, namely I want to make people's lives better. Some may call this a long term goal throughout life, and it is, but I want to do something this year too.

8. Finish the papers-It's been long enough, I want to finish my mission papers. I hope to leave soon, within a few months, and some may think this a little contradictory to my above goals. My goal is to not only finish the papers and go on my mission, but to expand myself to fulfill all of these other goals still. I may be gone, but my friends and family will always have me near.

9. Compliment people-People only pass out compliments if they hope to get them back or are interested in a person. I want to expand compliments to everyone, even if just to make them smile, without any reward at all.

10. Learn more about myself-Last year I spent a lot of time with this girl and she brought out a really wonderful side of me, a better man than I knew was in me. I want to more fully be that man, and also learn more about myself and become the best I can be. Again, this may be something that molds me through life, but if at all possible I wish to get close to that peak within this year.

Ten goals listed, and hopefully by next year these ten goals will be checked off. I might not be around to check them off myself, but I'll remember them.

The New Year reminds me of rebirth, a chance for the world to be reborn. We, as people, have the potential for greatness, the greatest good that can ever be imagined is within our hands. Dear World, my wish is that we will all see ways in which to progress this wonderful dream, and my ultimate goal is to not only push myself towards it, but to push others towards it as well. I love people, and if I could I would do all I could to help everyone in any way they needed. I can't, I know, but I'll never stop trying. Reach out to me and I promise to reach back to you. To make the World a better place, that is the ultimate goal.