The Chicken or the Egg?

As of late I keep feeling that writing has almost become an obligation with me. Honestly, it feels like all of the fun has been ripped out of the writing process. Where is the love? I'm certainly not feeling it anymore, and it makes me wonder why.

I've been sitting on a story that would be a great piece of literature to be honest, and I love literature and I would LOVE for something I write to be placed in the literature section, but you know, I really don't have fun writing literature. To be confined within certain rules, to try and make some controversial statement, it really isn't me. I'm more than capable of controversy, but it's gotta come naturally. I feel as though I've been trying way too hard lately, and I don't like the way that it feels.

I just want to find my own style and be my own author. I don't care if the writing authorities don't think I write good books, these books are going to be a part of me and I think that is what is the most important aspect of all. I have to have FUN or else what is the point? The story I'm writing right now, it's not an expression of myself, it's me trying to fit in with all of those big names. Yes, I think this story idea would get a lot of praise among the older and more literary defined crowd, but as much as that means to me it's not really who I am. Yeah, I love literature, I love learning about the old styles and reading the old authors, but I love to question them as well.

I don't bow down and regard them as great, I think authors have gotten better since that time. People always say "But they were the first!" as a defense that they were the greatest, but guess what? We've gotten BETTER! It's the quality that defines a good writer and a good book, not who came first. That's like saying a chicken is more important than an egg (although we still don't know which came first). No, I think I just want to write as who I am and I don't want to be caught up in trying to be the best anymore, I just want to be myself.

Yeah, What He Said!

"You know you're in trouble when you're own imagination starts to punish you." -Eoin Colfer

Dreams are such an inspiration to me, and I've really gotten most of my stories and creativity from them. The subconscious is such an interesting thing. I might personally dispute the Iceberg model slightly, I believe we know ourselves (or at least that we can know) better than what they tell us, but I do believe that the subconscious is almost its own entity. That is, as much of an entity as it can be while still being you. It sounds confusing I know, fortunately that's not part of the point I'm trying to make.

I had an experience once where I guess you could say my imagination was beginning to punish me, or at least my subconscious. There was this girl I liked for a really long time, but we ended up just friends and we just ended up not talking as much as usual (yeah, I'll take responsibility there) but then I suddenly had this dream with her in it and me (because I am an intolerable flirt both in real life AND in my dreams) went to go talk to her and trying to pick it up as though it hadn't been a few months since we had spoken. Even though it was my subconscious voicing her, still, best line ever that totally left me speechless:

"Well, look who is all blue eyes and bright smiles."

This was proceeded by a little speech that really cut into me about how I hadn't said anything for a month and now I was acting like it was all fine. I would quote it word for word but I seem to have misplaced the paper with the original dream on it, but anyhow, this phrase really stuck out in my mind. First of all, I don't have blue eyes, but it was just such a funny line and when I woke up I was like "wow" because I really felt as though someone had just cut into me and let loose. I honestly cannot put it better than Eoin Colfer: "You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts to punish you."

Thank you Eoin Colfer, not only for your literary genius but for your very true words. This man is amazing people. But really, I just thought it was something fun to think about how important it is that our subconscious and our conscious line up. I'm only one person, but who I am and how I act can be entirely different. I want to line up the pieces and just be me. As such, I think there is something to learn from dreams. True sometimes it might just be the brain letting out its bottled up craziness in very strange ways, but sometimes its a message as well. I think there's still a lot I need to learn about me, and I'll listen if it'll make me a better person.

Scourge

My Top 5 Video Game Villains

I'm really only doing these top lists because I see everyone doing them everywhere and I'm like "Hey! I want to do that!" So expect a lot of posts to be like this. Anyways, since yesterday I did top 5 heroes I decided to go with top 5 villains today.

5. Fawful (Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga)

It might be strange to have this guy on the list but his humor gives him a one up on many villains. His catch phrases "I have fury!" and "I have chortles!" are probably what make him so funny, not to mention that diabolical laugh, the fact that he manages to keep reappearing in each Mario and Luigi RPG game, he must be a good villain right? Although he's not entirely scary by any means, he certainly is a fun enemy.

4. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy 7)

Although FF7 was only so-so, Sephiroth and Cloud revolutionized the image for heroes/villains since that game (Cloud just still wasn't good enough for a slot yesterday). While the story and game were only average, Sephiroth did bring a terrifying feeling wherever he appeared. Players are first introduced to Sephiroth as they travel through blood stained halls in the Shinra building, and eventually find his infamous (or infamously long) Masamune stabbing through the heart of the president of the Shinra Corporation. He's a one man army, he has his own insanely creepy theme music, and he's killed more people than most other video game villains ever have. A classic villain and still memorable to this day.

Since I don't want to make a top five list with only FF villains, I'm just going to shout out special mentions to Seymour (FF10) and Barthandelus (FF13) for being the best recurring villains throughout a game. I guess Rosche deserves a slot on that list too, but oh well.

3. Ganondorf (The Legend of Zelda)

If Link is one of the greatest heroes, Ganondorf has to be one of the greatest villains. Twilight Princess made the already sinister Ganandorf even more of a villain when after he gets stabbed through the chest, he tears the sword out of his own body and proceeds to kill the person that attempted to kill him. Ganondorf has always been a towering threat that, again, you just never want to come in contact with him prior to the end of the game. His sinister, evil, manipulative, he possesses all of the greatest traits of a villain. Although thankfully they changed his look or else he would have never made it onto this list. Evil Gerudo king is much better than the evil pig he was back in the day.

2. Sho Minamimoto (The World Ends With You)

Sho makes it close to the top due to the fact of how memorable he is. What are his qualifications? He looks like a punk that would mug you on the street while happening to be a brilliant mathemetician at the same time. He uses math terms as slang "so zetta slow" "It's x2 die" "Die radians" "SOHCAHTOA" "You're off your vector!" "Let's get derived" and many, many more. He also creates these weird art sculptures whose beauty only he seems to be able to comprehend. Oh, and he's cocky, what kind of villain would he be if he wasn't extremely cocky? As he says "gravity can drop an apple, I'll drop the freaking moon." There's also the fact that he BLEW HIMSELF UP just so that he could bring himself back to life four days later with power to rival the Composer. Truly a great villain, both funny and menacing. Number two belongs to him.

1. Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts 2)

First of all, congrats for being able to find a way to creatre a recurring villain without the way he comes back each time being completely stupid. Ansem was the scientist in the first Kingdom Hearts that nearly plunged every world into darkness via the Heartless due to his experiments, and Xemnas (the remainder of Ansem, his shell, his Nobody) is just as good as the original. He has no emotions whatsoever, he merely has knowledge tha he has no heart and so he seeks to complete himself. Not so bad right? It is, because without feelings he completes his designs at ANY cost. As it's been said, apathy is worse than either good or evil, and his purely objective motives make him one of the most evil villains to date. Not to mention all of the different forms he takes on, can you talk about one seriously hard villain to kill? Not bad for a guy who technically doesn't even exist. Can't wait to see how he is incarnated into the next installment of Kingdom Hearts. It's going to be interesting that's for sure!

Virtual Heroes

Top 5 Video Game Heroes

5. Link (Legend of Zelda)

Link deserves a mention for being the silent and unsung hero. Link rises time and time again to face evil wherever it stands, and at any age. As a child he's faced a number of enemies, and as an adult he faced many more. There's not a lot that you can say about his character because of his silence, but he's still one of the greatest swordsman heroes of all times.

4. Neku Sakaruba (The World Ends With You)

Perhaps the first character that openly comes out as being emo right from the get go. He's tossed into the Reaper's Game without any memories other than his own name (which he later finds out is because his memories were his entry fee into the Game). Hating everyone, being forced into a Game where survival depends on a reliable Partner. The first Game he plays he is teamed with Shiki Misaki, a girl who is a little too bubbly for his liking. Yet, over the course of the week, the kid that goes from hating everyone comes to learn that friendship isn't all that bad. His emo urges still hold strong, but he's changed enough that when he is forced into a second Game they make Shiki his new entry fee.

During the next Game he is determined to win feeling that its his fault Shiki never got her second shot at life. He teams up with Joshua, who he comes to believe is none other than the person that put him in the Game to begin with. Still, he continues to cling onto advice given to him to trust his partner and, although he believes it was Josh that killed him, they come to win the Game, but at a price. Josh sacrifices himself for Neku's sake after it is revealed he didn't kill Neku. Neku then enters the third Game with another reason to win, to make the best of Josh's gift.

Although being harried by Beat during the second week, Neku easily forgives him an accepts him as his partner in week three (although he really has no choice). He manages to go from the drudging type to actively encouraging his partner, although still in his own sharp tongued way. As he learns to open his horizons, he gains the strength necessary not only to beat the third Game, but the Conductor as well. Then he recieves a revelation as Josh returns. Josh killed him, and Josh is the Composer. Josh offers Neku the chance to be Composer through a duel, but Neku will die if he loses. As they hold their guns, Josh counting down, Neku drops his gun and lets Josh shoot him in the name of their friendship. Neku earns his place on the list due to his extreme personality change but in a believable way.

3. Snow Villiers (Final Fantasy XIII)

This position comes due to one thing: Snow is different. Snow is a hot shot self proclaimed hero who's known for his line "if you don't know which one to save, you just save them all." He and Serah mark the only Final Fantasy couple that get engaged to be married (all other relationships are unofficial throughout the games) and even though she turns to crystal he keeps to his vows and never turns away from his love for her, determined to find a way to save her no matter what it might cost him. He's one of the few Final Fantasy main males that doesn't have a serious attitude problem, but rather tries to inspire people and is willing to defend anyone. Also, there's no denying that the fact he fights with his BARE HANDS is just another star on his list. Overall, his different outlook during the game makes him a memorable character in my book.

2. Starkiller (Star Wars: The Force Unleashed)

Link was the silent hero, Starkiller is the unnamed hero. Starkiller is a codename made up merely because they needed something to call him, Starkiller has no real name. His father was killed by Darth Vader during the Sith Lord's hunt for the surviving Jedi. Darth Vader, upon killing his father, was confronted by this young boy and decided that, rather than killing him, he would use him as a tool to further his designs. Starkiller follows Vader believing that he is Darth Vader's assistant in seizing control of the Empire from the Emperor. Even after Darth Vader supposedly kills him (although he later has Starkiller reconstructed in a similar matter to him) Starkiller continues to follow Vader's orders. Starkiller brings together the Rebel Alliance that becomes so well known throughout the series, and he is ready to use them to take on the Emperor when his real purpose is made known. Vader follows Starkiller to where the Rebel Alliance is first meeting, tries to kill Starkiller and captures all of the Alliance leaders. Vader tells him that the only reason he kept Starkiller alive was to help him find those responsible for the Empire's woes. Starkiller manages to escape, and he assails the Death Star single handed to free the Rebel Alliance leaders, and he even defeats Darth Vader and the Emperor. However, when one of his Rebel friends is about to be attacked by the Emperor, Starkiller tells them to leave while he defends them. He manages to hold off the Emperor's assault, and in doing so ends up dying. He is the only main character that has ever died at the end of the video game (out of ones I've played) and his unique character easily earns him this spot.

1. Cole MacGrath (inFAMOUS)

This is rather incomplete as I have not entirely finished the game, but Cole already stands out as one of the top video game characters. It's a superhero story in a fashion. Cole delivers a strange package to the center of Empire City, a package that ends up expoding and taking out every single person within a six block radius... except for Cole. He walks away with newfound electrical powers, and he has a choice to make. Use his powers to help the people who are now quarantined within the desolate city, or else use them for his own gain. His face is known, his powers are known, and his reputation among the streets changes with each move he makes. No one has more pressure than him when it comes to deciding which path to follow as all eyes are upon every move he makes. Hunted by Reapers and law enforcement alike, he has all of the makings of a great protagonist. He holds number one at the moment, hopefully continuing to play will reassure him this position.

Focus

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in reality that I forget to let my mind wander beyond it. You know, I have insanely crazy and wild dreams. Let's just take for example one of the most recent ones in which I was treated a l'Cie and had a ton of people trying to kill me. Even the few people that were helping me began to turn over time to try and kill me, and I had to fight to stay alive. Also, during that dream, I went head to head with Darth Vader in a lightsaber match. Epic dream? I'll say so.

Another dream occured in which my pal Tyson and I were trying to get jobs at this outdoor mall downtown, upon which Lightning from FFXIII was infected with some sort of radioactive material (think that first season Heroes plot) and was going to explode. She was there to take revenge on the guy that did this to her, none other than Lex Luthor. He talks his way out, she ends up racing away and exploding. The last part of the dream is Tyson and I driving after some ambulances and police cars.

Honestly, I love my dreams. They take me on such amazing adventures that I can't seem to conjure when I'm awake. I realize that consciousness, that reality is a binding wall that tries to encroach creativity. Or at least that's how it seems to be for me. I just feel so much more free when I'm asleep, and I almost feel as though I can't fully be myself when I'm awake because a part of me lives in those dreams. I guess the question that plagues me is how can I get that piece of me to show his face in reality. Random outbursts tend to be frowned upon in society, and while I'm relatively unconcerned with what people think of me, willfully outcasting myself from society is the last way I can be of benefit to it. Really, my dream is to be able to help change the flow of society, make it better than it is.

I think that's why I blog. These are my dreams, which I can record to the Internet. It matters to me that my ideas flow out there, that they might in some way become tangible to other people. Maybe it'll inspire them, maybe my ideas will piss them off, but somehow it'll get a reaction out of them and hopefully incite them to action. I think everyone wants to be remembered somehow, they want to know that what they did matters to someone, somehow.

I want what I did to matter. I want to be the best man I can be, and slightly less noble, I want to be one of the best guys there is. It's a little arrogant I'll admit, but I want to make a difference, to make a change. I can't settle with being good, I want to be great. I don't know how I'm going to do it just yet, I don't know what career path to take in order to best help people, but I'm on my way to finding them. It's not a matter of hoping to be great, it's that I will be. I'll push myself as far as I have to go in order to achieve my dreams. I'm done sitting around, twiddling my fingers and merely hoping for my life to get better. If there's anything I've learned in life it's that we have the power to mold our lives as we see fit. We have our agency, we have the power to make this world what we want it to be, to make our lives as we want them to be. That thought is my hope, and it keeps me going.

My life. My dreams. My focus.