The Chicken or the Egg?

As of late I keep feeling that writing has almost become an obligation with me. Honestly, it feels like all of the fun has been ripped out of the writing process. Where is the love? I'm certainly not feeling it anymore, and it makes me wonder why.

I've been sitting on a story that would be a great piece of literature to be honest, and I love literature and I would LOVE for something I write to be placed in the literature section, but you know, I really don't have fun writing literature. To be confined within certain rules, to try and make some controversial statement, it really isn't me. I'm more than capable of controversy, but it's gotta come naturally. I feel as though I've been trying way too hard lately, and I don't like the way that it feels.

I just want to find my own style and be my own author. I don't care if the writing authorities don't think I write good books, these books are going to be a part of me and I think that is what is the most important aspect of all. I have to have FUN or else what is the point? The story I'm writing right now, it's not an expression of myself, it's me trying to fit in with all of those big names. Yes, I think this story idea would get a lot of praise among the older and more literary defined crowd, but as much as that means to me it's not really who I am. Yeah, I love literature, I love learning about the old styles and reading the old authors, but I love to question them as well.

I don't bow down and regard them as great, I think authors have gotten better since that time. People always say "But they were the first!" as a defense that they were the greatest, but guess what? We've gotten BETTER! It's the quality that defines a good writer and a good book, not who came first. That's like saying a chicken is more important than an egg (although we still don't know which came first). No, I think I just want to write as who I am and I don't want to be caught up in trying to be the best anymore, I just want to be myself.

Yeah, What He Said!

"You know you're in trouble when you're own imagination starts to punish you." -Eoin Colfer

Dreams are such an inspiration to me, and I've really gotten most of my stories and creativity from them. The subconscious is such an interesting thing. I might personally dispute the Iceberg model slightly, I believe we know ourselves (or at least that we can know) better than what they tell us, but I do believe that the subconscious is almost its own entity. That is, as much of an entity as it can be while still being you. It sounds confusing I know, fortunately that's not part of the point I'm trying to make.

I had an experience once where I guess you could say my imagination was beginning to punish me, or at least my subconscious. There was this girl I liked for a really long time, but we ended up just friends and we just ended up not talking as much as usual (yeah, I'll take responsibility there) but then I suddenly had this dream with her in it and me (because I am an intolerable flirt both in real life AND in my dreams) went to go talk to her and trying to pick it up as though it hadn't been a few months since we had spoken. Even though it was my subconscious voicing her, still, best line ever that totally left me speechless:

"Well, look who is all blue eyes and bright smiles."

This was proceeded by a little speech that really cut into me about how I hadn't said anything for a month and now I was acting like it was all fine. I would quote it word for word but I seem to have misplaced the paper with the original dream on it, but anyhow, this phrase really stuck out in my mind. First of all, I don't have blue eyes, but it was just such a funny line and when I woke up I was like "wow" because I really felt as though someone had just cut into me and let loose. I honestly cannot put it better than Eoin Colfer: "You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts to punish you."

Thank you Eoin Colfer, not only for your literary genius but for your very true words. This man is amazing people. But really, I just thought it was something fun to think about how important it is that our subconscious and our conscious line up. I'm only one person, but who I am and how I act can be entirely different. I want to line up the pieces and just be me. As such, I think there is something to learn from dreams. True sometimes it might just be the brain letting out its bottled up craziness in very strange ways, but sometimes its a message as well. I think there's still a lot I need to learn about me, and I'll listen if it'll make me a better person.

Scourge

My Top 5 Video Game Villains

I'm really only doing these top lists because I see everyone doing them everywhere and I'm like "Hey! I want to do that!" So expect a lot of posts to be like this. Anyways, since yesterday I did top 5 heroes I decided to go with top 5 villains today.

5. Fawful (Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga)

It might be strange to have this guy on the list but his humor gives him a one up on many villains. His catch phrases "I have fury!" and "I have chortles!" are probably what make him so funny, not to mention that diabolical laugh, the fact that he manages to keep reappearing in each Mario and Luigi RPG game, he must be a good villain right? Although he's not entirely scary by any means, he certainly is a fun enemy.

4. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy 7)

Although FF7 was only so-so, Sephiroth and Cloud revolutionized the image for heroes/villains since that game (Cloud just still wasn't good enough for a slot yesterday). While the story and game were only average, Sephiroth did bring a terrifying feeling wherever he appeared. Players are first introduced to Sephiroth as they travel through blood stained halls in the Shinra building, and eventually find his infamous (or infamously long) Masamune stabbing through the heart of the president of the Shinra Corporation. He's a one man army, he has his own insanely creepy theme music, and he's killed more people than most other video game villains ever have. A classic villain and still memorable to this day.

Since I don't want to make a top five list with only FF villains, I'm just going to shout out special mentions to Seymour (FF10) and Barthandelus (FF13) for being the best recurring villains throughout a game. I guess Rosche deserves a slot on that list too, but oh well.

3. Ganondorf (The Legend of Zelda)

If Link is one of the greatest heroes, Ganondorf has to be one of the greatest villains. Twilight Princess made the already sinister Ganandorf even more of a villain when after he gets stabbed through the chest, he tears the sword out of his own body and proceeds to kill the person that attempted to kill him. Ganondorf has always been a towering threat that, again, you just never want to come in contact with him prior to the end of the game. His sinister, evil, manipulative, he possesses all of the greatest traits of a villain. Although thankfully they changed his look or else he would have never made it onto this list. Evil Gerudo king is much better than the evil pig he was back in the day.

2. Sho Minamimoto (The World Ends With You)

Sho makes it close to the top due to the fact of how memorable he is. What are his qualifications? He looks like a punk that would mug you on the street while happening to be a brilliant mathemetician at the same time. He uses math terms as slang "so zetta slow" "It's x2 die" "Die radians" "SOHCAHTOA" "You're off your vector!" "Let's get derived" and many, many more. He also creates these weird art sculptures whose beauty only he seems to be able to comprehend. Oh, and he's cocky, what kind of villain would he be if he wasn't extremely cocky? As he says "gravity can drop an apple, I'll drop the freaking moon." There's also the fact that he BLEW HIMSELF UP just so that he could bring himself back to life four days later with power to rival the Composer. Truly a great villain, both funny and menacing. Number two belongs to him.

1. Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts 2)

First of all, congrats for being able to find a way to creatre a recurring villain without the way he comes back each time being completely stupid. Ansem was the scientist in the first Kingdom Hearts that nearly plunged every world into darkness via the Heartless due to his experiments, and Xemnas (the remainder of Ansem, his shell, his Nobody) is just as good as the original. He has no emotions whatsoever, he merely has knowledge tha he has no heart and so he seeks to complete himself. Not so bad right? It is, because without feelings he completes his designs at ANY cost. As it's been said, apathy is worse than either good or evil, and his purely objective motives make him one of the most evil villains to date. Not to mention all of the different forms he takes on, can you talk about one seriously hard villain to kill? Not bad for a guy who technically doesn't even exist. Can't wait to see how he is incarnated into the next installment of Kingdom Hearts. It's going to be interesting that's for sure!

Virtual Heroes

Top 5 Video Game Heroes

5. Link (Legend of Zelda)

Link deserves a mention for being the silent and unsung hero. Link rises time and time again to face evil wherever it stands, and at any age. As a child he's faced a number of enemies, and as an adult he faced many more. There's not a lot that you can say about his character because of his silence, but he's still one of the greatest swordsman heroes of all times.

4. Neku Sakaruba (The World Ends With You)

Perhaps the first character that openly comes out as being emo right from the get go. He's tossed into the Reaper's Game without any memories other than his own name (which he later finds out is because his memories were his entry fee into the Game). Hating everyone, being forced into a Game where survival depends on a reliable Partner. The first Game he plays he is teamed with Shiki Misaki, a girl who is a little too bubbly for his liking. Yet, over the course of the week, the kid that goes from hating everyone comes to learn that friendship isn't all that bad. His emo urges still hold strong, but he's changed enough that when he is forced into a second Game they make Shiki his new entry fee.

During the next Game he is determined to win feeling that its his fault Shiki never got her second shot at life. He teams up with Joshua, who he comes to believe is none other than the person that put him in the Game to begin with. Still, he continues to cling onto advice given to him to trust his partner and, although he believes it was Josh that killed him, they come to win the Game, but at a price. Josh sacrifices himself for Neku's sake after it is revealed he didn't kill Neku. Neku then enters the third Game with another reason to win, to make the best of Josh's gift.

Although being harried by Beat during the second week, Neku easily forgives him an accepts him as his partner in week three (although he really has no choice). He manages to go from the drudging type to actively encouraging his partner, although still in his own sharp tongued way. As he learns to open his horizons, he gains the strength necessary not only to beat the third Game, but the Conductor as well. Then he recieves a revelation as Josh returns. Josh killed him, and Josh is the Composer. Josh offers Neku the chance to be Composer through a duel, but Neku will die if he loses. As they hold their guns, Josh counting down, Neku drops his gun and lets Josh shoot him in the name of their friendship. Neku earns his place on the list due to his extreme personality change but in a believable way.

3. Snow Villiers (Final Fantasy XIII)

This position comes due to one thing: Snow is different. Snow is a hot shot self proclaimed hero who's known for his line "if you don't know which one to save, you just save them all." He and Serah mark the only Final Fantasy couple that get engaged to be married (all other relationships are unofficial throughout the games) and even though she turns to crystal he keeps to his vows and never turns away from his love for her, determined to find a way to save her no matter what it might cost him. He's one of the few Final Fantasy main males that doesn't have a serious attitude problem, but rather tries to inspire people and is willing to defend anyone. Also, there's no denying that the fact he fights with his BARE HANDS is just another star on his list. Overall, his different outlook during the game makes him a memorable character in my book.

2. Starkiller (Star Wars: The Force Unleashed)

Link was the silent hero, Starkiller is the unnamed hero. Starkiller is a codename made up merely because they needed something to call him, Starkiller has no real name. His father was killed by Darth Vader during the Sith Lord's hunt for the surviving Jedi. Darth Vader, upon killing his father, was confronted by this young boy and decided that, rather than killing him, he would use him as a tool to further his designs. Starkiller follows Vader believing that he is Darth Vader's assistant in seizing control of the Empire from the Emperor. Even after Darth Vader supposedly kills him (although he later has Starkiller reconstructed in a similar matter to him) Starkiller continues to follow Vader's orders. Starkiller brings together the Rebel Alliance that becomes so well known throughout the series, and he is ready to use them to take on the Emperor when his real purpose is made known. Vader follows Starkiller to where the Rebel Alliance is first meeting, tries to kill Starkiller and captures all of the Alliance leaders. Vader tells him that the only reason he kept Starkiller alive was to help him find those responsible for the Empire's woes. Starkiller manages to escape, and he assails the Death Star single handed to free the Rebel Alliance leaders, and he even defeats Darth Vader and the Emperor. However, when one of his Rebel friends is about to be attacked by the Emperor, Starkiller tells them to leave while he defends them. He manages to hold off the Emperor's assault, and in doing so ends up dying. He is the only main character that has ever died at the end of the video game (out of ones I've played) and his unique character easily earns him this spot.

1. Cole MacGrath (inFAMOUS)

This is rather incomplete as I have not entirely finished the game, but Cole already stands out as one of the top video game characters. It's a superhero story in a fashion. Cole delivers a strange package to the center of Empire City, a package that ends up expoding and taking out every single person within a six block radius... except for Cole. He walks away with newfound electrical powers, and he has a choice to make. Use his powers to help the people who are now quarantined within the desolate city, or else use them for his own gain. His face is known, his powers are known, and his reputation among the streets changes with each move he makes. No one has more pressure than him when it comes to deciding which path to follow as all eyes are upon every move he makes. Hunted by Reapers and law enforcement alike, he has all of the makings of a great protagonist. He holds number one at the moment, hopefully continuing to play will reassure him this position.

Focus

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in reality that I forget to let my mind wander beyond it. You know, I have insanely crazy and wild dreams. Let's just take for example one of the most recent ones in which I was treated a l'Cie and had a ton of people trying to kill me. Even the few people that were helping me began to turn over time to try and kill me, and I had to fight to stay alive. Also, during that dream, I went head to head with Darth Vader in a lightsaber match. Epic dream? I'll say so.

Another dream occured in which my pal Tyson and I were trying to get jobs at this outdoor mall downtown, upon which Lightning from FFXIII was infected with some sort of radioactive material (think that first season Heroes plot) and was going to explode. She was there to take revenge on the guy that did this to her, none other than Lex Luthor. He talks his way out, she ends up racing away and exploding. The last part of the dream is Tyson and I driving after some ambulances and police cars.

Honestly, I love my dreams. They take me on such amazing adventures that I can't seem to conjure when I'm awake. I realize that consciousness, that reality is a binding wall that tries to encroach creativity. Or at least that's how it seems to be for me. I just feel so much more free when I'm asleep, and I almost feel as though I can't fully be myself when I'm awake because a part of me lives in those dreams. I guess the question that plagues me is how can I get that piece of me to show his face in reality. Random outbursts tend to be frowned upon in society, and while I'm relatively unconcerned with what people think of me, willfully outcasting myself from society is the last way I can be of benefit to it. Really, my dream is to be able to help change the flow of society, make it better than it is.

I think that's why I blog. These are my dreams, which I can record to the Internet. It matters to me that my ideas flow out there, that they might in some way become tangible to other people. Maybe it'll inspire them, maybe my ideas will piss them off, but somehow it'll get a reaction out of them and hopefully incite them to action. I think everyone wants to be remembered somehow, they want to know that what they did matters to someone, somehow.

I want what I did to matter. I want to be the best man I can be, and slightly less noble, I want to be one of the best guys there is. It's a little arrogant I'll admit, but I want to make a difference, to make a change. I can't settle with being good, I want to be great. I don't know how I'm going to do it just yet, I don't know what career path to take in order to best help people, but I'm on my way to finding them. It's not a matter of hoping to be great, it's that I will be. I'll push myself as far as I have to go in order to achieve my dreams. I'm done sitting around, twiddling my fingers and merely hoping for my life to get better. If there's anything I've learned in life it's that we have the power to mold our lives as we see fit. We have our agency, we have the power to make this world what we want it to be, to make our lives as we want them to be. That thought is my hope, and it keeps me going.

My life. My dreams. My focus.

So Live Your Life

Day 2

Entry Fees

I had had a hard time sleeping that night. I spent most of the night laying awake in my bed, visualizing the faces of those that had been erased the day before within the Game. They were gone, lost forever. Their right to exist had been forfeited, as had their entrance fees. What happened to their entry fees anyways? They too could have been erased, but that wasn’t fair.

School was hard for me the next day. I was running on roughly three hours of sleep and looked like a complete mess. Everyone shot questions at me. What’s wrong? Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it? Of course I wanted to talk about it, but there wasn’t a person in the entire school that I could tell these things too. Least of all Sara. If she knew that I was a Reaper now, the thought was difficult to bear. Not as difficult as the change in our relationship though. We’d become friends over that week, but now I found myself unable to talk to her at all. I constantly was in fear that she would ask the one question “how did you come back to life?”

Avoiding her was impossible. There I stood, in the hallway putting on my track shoes when she and Megan came across me. They were the giggly type and namely kept to themselves, but we were all friends on the team. I guess it was just the day to taunt me though, because they both put their backs against the locker and slid down on each side of me. Their white smiles were like the sun shining down on me, and I couldn’t help offering my own.

“Jared, it’s been so long,” Megan said.

“Yeah, why don’t you talk to us?” Sara asked. “We’ve been dying for a little attention. Couldn’t you tell?”

“Oh forgive me,” I said, playing along with their act. “I’ve just been busy with other things.”

“Too busy for us?” Megan asked. “I’m insulted, aren’t you?”

“Very insulted,” Sara agreed.

“You should run with us today.”

“What’s the run?”

“Five miles, easy day,” Sara said.

“Alright,” I said.

And so I followed them outside and we ran. Can I say there have never been two stranger girls? They’re loveable though, and they were fun. I was too tired to join in with any of their festivities, but they would trot around, singing songs loudly with their pretty voices. They brought smiles to everyone around. As I ran with them, I couldn’t help but think of how right the Composer had been in selecting the winner of the last Game. Sara had had this within her the entire time, but now she was really beginning to shine.

It was more than just the songs that made everyone was passed by a little happier, she just reached out to people. When we were stopped at a crosswalk she would turn and talk to anyone else that was around, asking their name and starting up a real conversation within the few seconds before we were off again. Watching her, it made me wonder if I was any further along than I had been.

So far, the only change I felt was a sickening feeling that constantly grew within my stomach. I wanted to know that my life was making a difference as well. As much as I hated to admit it, I envied Sara. When she came back to life she had more life in her than I had ever seen in any person. What was I contributing?

We had to stop at a park for Megan to go to the bathroom. While she was in there, I was left alone with Sara. We hung out by the side of the bathroom, refreshing ourselves at the drinking fountain. Then, we just stood there, silence falling. It didn’t fall long enough though.

“Are you alright?” Sara asked. “You look like someone tried to strangle you in your sleep.”

I shrugged. “I’ve been having a hard time sleeping.”

“It’s the Game, isn’t it?”

I turned to her, surprised. This was the first she had ever spoken of the Game since we had returned from it.

“I’ve had nightmares too,” Sara said. “Thinking about everyone that didn’t come back to life.”

“I can still see their faces… watching them as they are erased,” I said. “I just can’t get them out of my head.”

“I know what you mean,” she said. “But, you know, bad things happen. We’ve clashed with people, and though they may be gone we still have them. It’s like… we have to live more just for them.”

I nodded. “Would you say that I’ve been living more?”

“What do you mean?”

“You knew me before the Game, and after the Game. Has there been a change?”

Sara bit her lip. “You seem terrified.”

I listened.

“I… I mean, argh,” she shook her head. “I really don’t know how to say it but…”

She took a deep breath and turned to me. “You need to love life. Stop thinking things through and just do something! Remember when I kissed you?”

“Hard to forget.”

“You need to do something like that,” she said. “You know, grab the moment. Live it up?”

I laughed. “Right, go grab some random girl and kiss her.”

“Exactly!”

“Yeah… well,” I said. “I found out something after you had left that final day. It seems that I was wrong about your entry fee. Your memories of me, they were my entry fee.”

“I know,” Sara said. “I figured it out when I got my entry fee back.”

“Did that change the way you acted towards me at all during the Game?”

Sara nodded. “It did at first, but even after I realized the truth… I didn’t regret anything. You know, you wouldn’t be a bad entry fee. Whenever I saw you, you were just a nice guy. You just did the right thing by you, even if it wasn’t popular, and it made you look a little dorky, but it was nice to know that there was a good guy. Like I told you, I’ve had some bad experience… I wouldn’t have been surprised if they took my memories of you being a good guy for my fee.”

“What was your fee?”

“My dreams,” Sara said. “With nothing to fight for, it made the difficult very hard. But, that’s why they took what they did right? We had to find new reasons to live, new reasons to be ourselves.”

“Right.”

That was my problem. I had my entry fee back and it meant nothing more to me now than it had before. My reason for playing the Game was to get Sara back to life, and my mission had been accomplished. There, I had no mission anymore. Nothing to live for. I had to find something to live for, someone to live for.

“Hey, thanks Sara,” I said. “You totally helped me.”

Sara smiled. “Helped you how? Repealing your virgin lips status?”

Just like her. It was a shot to the pride, but I didn’t have the chance to react.

“You kissed Jared?”

We both turned in surprise as Megan reappeared. I just laughed while Sara immediately had to try to explain the situation. It must’ve been difficult lying to your best friend, but I doubt she would have believed the death Game we had played. Then again, maybe she would have believed it. If you watch the way those two talked to one another, they would stand by each other through anything. They would take each other’s side in an argument no matter what.

Once Megan had swallowed the story Sara had made up from her, to which I agreed with everything she said, we ran back to the school. Then, it was time for my job to begin. After showering, I took the trax downtown once again to begin my second day as a Reaper.

Again Jessica met me at the station, and again we passed into the RG. I was still unfamiliar with the run of things, but apparently Players weren’t the only ones to receive missions. Our missions weren’t the same as theirs were, but the Game Master apparently carried out his or her plans through us. The Officers weren’t the type to dirty their hands by participating directly in the Game, it was all done by proxy. It seemed as though they didn’t have to erase Players though, or did they? I didn’t even understand why we had to, so I asked.

“Why do we have to erase Players to stay alive?” I asked as we walked to the Gateway.

“It’s all about Soul,” Jessica replied. “You see, in the UG, you don’t have a real body. The you in the UG is merely your soul manifest. Players look like themselves, but some Reapers can change their appearance as they gain power over Soul. That’s how your GM took on a Noise form last week.”

“I guess that makes sense,” I said. “So we erase Players and take their Soul? I guess that makes sense, we are Reapers after all.”

Jessica smiled. “It isn’t as morbid as it sounds. You see, when a Player is erased that person’s Soul is released all around. So yes, we do use that Soul to maintain ourselves, but Soul does a lot more than that too. It can become pins, such as the ones we use for psyches to fight with, or it can become Noise as well. It can influence the trends based on who was erased. So, even though that person doesn’t exist as a being anymore, their Soul lives on and becomes refined into other things. Rarely, that Soul can be collected and restored into a mortal body, but only the Composer can do that. Reapers are talented if they can collect Soul to forge pins, it really is very tricky to use properly.”

“So I see,” I said. “What’s the mission for today?”

“It’s a bit of an obstacle course,” Jessica said. “The GM threw a bunch of walls everywhere and Reapers aren’t supposed to let Players pass unless they collect certain pins from Noise. The Noise is also different in each area, it’s actually pretty clever. They have to run back and forth between each area to fight Noise, collect pins, then go to another area to open it. Pretty tough for the second day.”

“Is there a limit on how hard the missions have to be?”

“The first mission is always the fountain,” Jessica said. “We start off easy to give Players a fighting chance, and the first day is a lot to take in for most of them. That’s why the most are eliminated. If you manage to live past the first day, though, you’re chances of winning the game rise astronomically. Each day is supposed to get progressively harder, but it all depends on the GM and what the Conductor believes as appropriate. Your fifth day mission was considered to be incredibly hard, especially with how ambiguous the mission details were, and that’s why the Conductor ordered the GM to have no mission for the next day. We’re tough, but we’re not cruel.”

“Yeah, it would’ve been impossible for anyone but Sara,” I replied. “She just knew what to do.”

“You’re lucky to have had such a good partner.”

“I was.”

“Well, what do you want to do?” Jessica asked. “The GM told us to keep our hands off of the Players today, so the Harriers pretty much have the day off.”

“Does that happen often?”

“Rarely,” Jessica smiled. “So we can enjoy it while it lasts. What do you say?”

I smiled. “Dinner, movie?”

“It’s a start.”

We went back into the RG, we had never really needed to go into the UG at all, but it had been nice to talk privately. The more I thought about it, I could really enjoy this double life. Having the UG as a place to fall back to was a great bonus to being a Reaper, even if my job was to erase Players. That in itself didn’t appear to be evil though, and thankfully I had Jessica to tell me as much.

She linked her arm in mine and away we went, having a night on the town. Movie, dinner, dessert, we did anything we wanted. We popped in and out of the UG as we pleased to talk or to just freak some people out, it was one of the best nights of my life. I was finally doing it, I was really beginning to live my life, I wasn’t afraid to live. Sara had been right when she told me that I needed some spontaneity in my life, and I took her advice.

I kissed the girl.

It Begins Again

Week 2

Jim

Day 1

Duty

It was as though she didn’t remember a thing.

Sara never mentioned the Reapers’ Game or the UG to me, as though they had never happened. I’d expected her to be surprised to see me back in the RG, but she didn’t seem to be. It was as though she didn’t remember the Game or anything that we had gone through, but she was different. She was not the same girl I knew before the RG, but she was the girl I had met within it. The one that didn’t know me, the one that lived her life to the fullest. She truly did deserve that second chance at life, and she was taking it seriously.

Then there was me.

I had been brought back to life in a way. As though someone had paved over the hole of those days I had spent dead, I entered life unhindered. Here I was, back in high school and back to running on the track team. I was hanging out with my friends, spending time with my family, everything that I had enjoyed before being killed. All had returned to normal, except for one thing: the Game.

The Game had never ended for me. I was no longer a Player, I was full blown Reaper. I could pass between the RG and UG at will, a privilege they said, but it was a responsibility nonetheless. It had been three weeks since my Game had ended, and the dreaded day was coming. The Monday that would begin the next Game in which I would become a Reaper and be forced to attack and erase Players.

I took the trax down to the Gateway, the starting point for the Game. I was nervous nonetheless. My existence was now constantly at stake. If I didn’t erase Players, I would be erased instead. I didn’t know what awaited me, but I at least knew one thing, or one person.

Jessica met me at the trax station. She was a very kind girl, offering to meet me and show me the ropes the first day. New Reapers would tend to partner up with each other, but she decided to take me under her wing. There she was in all of her beauty, smile and blue eyes waiting for me as I hopped off of the train. She was the girl I knew, except her wings were missing. They wouldn’t appear until we approached the UG.

“How are you?” she asked me, the way you would speak to your friend.

“Nervous,” I replied.

“That’s normal for your first time,” Jessica said. “Don’t worry though, you’re not in any danger. We’ll score you a lot of points today too, it’ll put your mind at ease.”

“I don’t know anything can put my mind at ease,” I said as we walked towards Gateway Mall.

“Once you get started, it’ll get easier,” she said patting my shoulder. “So come on, it’s time to head into the UG.”

She vanished into thin air, and then, so did I. I was still standing in the same place that I had been earlier, but now there were black two dimensional wings on my back. There was Jessica, standing beside me, nodding for me to follow her into the mall. I did so, but carefully. I was suddenly invisible to all eyes, and my actions would be invisible to people as well. Good. I didn’t want them to see what I was capable of. Erasing people. Killing them.

“Don’t look at it as killing them,” Jessica said to me. “These Players are already dead. The Game is nothing more than a way to decide whether or not any of them deserve a second shot at life. The Game is designed in such a way that the Composer is able to divine the true nature of their souls and be able to see their benefit to society.”

“That’s why only one of us was brought back to life then,” I said. “She was the only one that was worthy enough to enter society.”

“Yes, the Game is like a refinery. We refine the souls of Players here to be better,” Jessica said. “Those who prove truly worthy are given a full second chance at life. However, any who win the Game, although their soul may not have been nearly as purified, are rewarded as well. They may choose to become Reapers, such as us, and the refining is continued.”

“Continued? How? It’s not like we’re playing the Game again,” I replied.

“You’re existence depends on your scoring points during the Game,” Jessica said. “Although you’re survival isn’t based on the missions, you’re survival is at stake. Trust me, as you come to fulfill your role in the Game, you’ll become more refined and become a better person. And, as you do, you’ll be rewarded.

“Here’s how it goes,” she explained. “We’re grunt Reapers, and we’re not much. As you become stronger and more refined, you could be promoted to an Officer. Game Masters are chosen from the Officer ranked Reapers, and, as you saw by the GM you faced, they take on a hefty responsibility.”

I shrugged. “The last GM seemed horrific to me.”

“Some let the power get to their heads, and that is why they don’t progress,” she said. “From Officer class, you can reach the rank of the Conductor, the Reaper that is in charge of all of us. He runs the Game and make sure everything happens smoothly and according to the rules. He keeps rogue Reapers in check and makes certain that there is no abuse. I know our Conductor may seem intimidating, but he’s a very good man.”

“You said something about a Composer,” I said. “Where does he fit into all of this?”

A hush came over Jessica at the mention of the Composer. She turned to me, a grave look on her face.

“The Composer is above all of us. It’s through the Composer’s divine power that your friend was able to return to life, and it is only through the Composer’s will and love that the Game exists to give people these second chances,” Jessica said. “The only one that can converse with the Composer is the Conductor, and he carries out the Composer’s will without question, or else he would be erased. This entire Game, and all pawns within it, could be erased if it was so decided. This Game, that you seem to dislike, is an act of love on the Composer’s part. Some Composers have closed their Games because the people were considered too wild and untamable. There aren’t many zones left.”

“How many Composers are there?”

“Not many,” Jessica said. “Not many at all. Some of them merely gave up and rejoined society, there have been a few that progressed even above the Composer.”

“What do you become then?” I asked.

She smiled. “An Angel.”

Angels? That word alone sent me for a loop. This crazy Game was how Angels were born? Either she was lying or I had indeed been missing the point of the Game. There was a higher power at work here, and I was part of that work.

That helped me relax.

“So just through playing the Game, you can become an Angel?” I asked.

“No idea,” Jessica said. “Through the Game you can become refined, and from there you can become an Officer such as the Conductor. To obtain a higher rank, the rules change. I don’t know how one becomes an Angel.”

“But you do know how to become the Composer?” I asked.

She nodded.

“How does one become the Composer?”

“You kill the current one,” she replied.

I stared in shock. “These are the actions of refined Reapers, kill the man in charge?”

“The Composer’s love is boundless,” she said. “And this is only proof of it. The Composer stands on a position that all others envy, and many would hound the Composer like wolves if they knew who the Composer was. That’s why only the Conductor knows.”

I nodded. I had to admit, she was right. It would take a lot to put your neck on the line, knowing that if you were ever discovered that everyone would be out for your head. The Composer, by the sound of it, had power, and power corrupted people. I wondered if I would become like my past GM, crazed with my power and thinking myself to be a god by my actions. Would I come to hunger the Composer’s throne?

I shuddered at the thought.

“Would you ever want to be the Composer?” I asked.

Jessica shrugged. “It’s a lot of responsibility. It’s the chance to do a lot of good work, but… I don’t know. Being a Reaper in this Game took long enough to get used to. I faced the despair of knowing I wasn’t good enough for a full shot at life, the fear of having to erase players, and only now am I coming to realize my purpose. You really learn to clash with people, and you come to be better through it. Reaper you may be, but don’t look at it as a bad thing. Take it for the best it has to offer. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll get that second shot at life with no strings attached.”

I wished what she said was true. I hoped that I could prove myself so that I could leave the Game and go back to my life and never have to look back. That seems to be what Sara did, she completely put the Game and everything about it out of her mind, including me. Not that I could blame her. I had never meant anything to her. Her memories of me had been my entry fee, not hers. My self image. I hated myself, why would that be my entrance fee? Perhaps after a week of being a Reaper, I would see myself in a different light, although that didn’t mean a better one.

The Game had begun by the time we had arrived. The Players raced from all corners of the city, where they had been scattered, to come to their destination. The fountain, the same mission as my first day in the Game. There they were, trying to find people to partner up with. It would be easiest to erase them before they found that partner…

I was thinking like a Reaper now.

“Here, you’ll need these,” Jessica said, handing me a punch of pins.

I stared at the pins. They had the images of Noise upon them. So, this was how they did it. This was how Reapers summoned the Noise to attack us. The Noise weren’t their pawns, not willingly. Only through psyches could they be manipulated into doing the Reaper’s will. That is, when attacking a team. As for those without partners, the Noise would attack willingly.

“You need to attack before the Noise get them by themselves,” Jessica said.

“Lead on,” I replied.

“I have a ton of points stacked up,” Jessica said. “Today is the day to score the most points. You need to do this. Squeeze the pin, direct the Noise, or else you’re going to be erased.”

Kill or die, I had no choice.

I squeezed the pin and soon Noise descended from the sky, attacking the defenseless Players. I wanted to turn away, wait until it was over, but I couldn’t. I had to watch as the Noise attacked. Just as my first day in the Game, I was paralyzed as I watched that guy get erased. Again, here I was, watching someone else die as I stood by, helpless.

“There,” Jessica said. “are your points.”

I nodded as the Player vanished. I kept nodding as I went around the area, erasing more Players. There certainly were a lot of them, and there were lots of Reapers gunning for them. Some were ruthless like Derek, a cynic laughing at the plight of the Players as he harried them. Others seemed nervous, and a few were reserved. However, in the Players’ eyes, the Reapers all meant one thing: death.

They stared at me in terror, in fear. They cursed me as the Noise attacked them, as they were erased. A few managed to form quick pacts and they fought off the Noise. As they survived the initial onslaught, they ran in fear. Some were so terrified that they ran out of the mall and away from their destination. Was this how we had appeared during my Game? A bunch of scared rabbits, scurrying for our lives, never thinking. Someone had to think though, someone had to take charge or else they would all be dead.

They bore familiar faces.

“Yo listen up!”

I was far enough away that I couldn’t be seen, but I could see them. Jim and Rachel barged through the Noise, erasing them with ease. They had indeed been more refined by their first Game and the Noise fell to them much easier now then they had earlier. After erasing all of the Noise in the area, as well as giving a few of the newer Reapers a fright, they turned to address their fellow Players.

“My name’s Jim,” Jim said. “An’ this is Rachel. We’ve played the Game before and we know how to beat it. We all gotta work together to get outta this aight? Now, don’t lose your heads and we’ll all survive. Le’s finish the mission aight?”

The words had quite an effect on the Players. They had won, what were they still doing alive? The answer didn’t give them any comfort, knowing not all of them would come back to life. But they realized what their options were, and they chose to follow Jim and Rachel’s advice. As a large group, after forming their pacts, they moved towards the destination. More Reapers tried to assail them, but none prevailed. There wouldn’t be any more points scored this day, especially when we received the text to lay off.

“Those two are going to make this week hard for Reapers,” Jessica said of my former friends. “They’re quite the team, aren’t they?”

I nodded. “I want to go scope them out… you know, see if we can’t find some way to beat them.”

Jessica nodded as she followed me. We moved to the fountain area and there they were, all of the Players resting after the first day. The first day was the easiest, they were in for a long and exhausting week.

“I don’t see him,” I heard Rachel say.

I slipped closer to hear, but I made sure they couldn’t see me.

“Gah!” Jim growled. “We were too late! He probably got jumped by some Reapers before we could do anything… man, to win one Game only to get erased in another. Dude’s luck ran up.”

They thought I was erased because they didn’t know about the third option. They didn’t know that winning Players could become Reapers. I wanted to jump out and let them know that I was alright. But then they would know that I was a Reaper, they’re enemy. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in their faces, or the anger. I didn’t want to see my own betrayal reflected back at me.

“Come on,” Jessica put a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go get some dinner. The first day is… well, tomorrow will be harder still, but it’s hard, I know.”

I nodded and followed her to a nearby café. We entered the RG and enjoyed a light dinner, and then we parted ways as I took the trax back home. Along the way, all I could do was think about Jim and Rachel. We were strangers to one another, and they were sad because they thought I was dead. I meant nothing to them… and yet, they cared. I didn’t understand it. That had always been the problem, I could never understand it. I could never understand what drove people to care and love for each other in such a way. My first day, one meant to help me become a better person. I walked away feeling like crap.